# UK ABANDONS AI OVERSIGHT, BEGS SILICON ROBOTS TO “PLEASE F@#KING COLONIZE US”
Government Officials Now Offering “Happy Endings” to Algorithm Executives
In a stunning display of international tech bootlicking, UK ministers have quietly shelved plans to regulate artificial intelligence, desperately hoping to become Donald Trump’s favorite digital brothel. Sources confirm the government is now approaching tech regulation with all the spine of a chocolate éclair left in the sun.
## MINISTER CAUGHT WHISPERING SWEET NOTHINGS TO CHATGPT
Originally intended for Christmas release, the UK’s AI bill has mysteriously vanished faster than your privacy rights on Facebook. Three Labour insiders confirmed the legislation won’t see daylight until summer—if ever—as ministers furiously backpedal to align with Trump’s “let the robots do whatever the f@#k they want” approach.
“We were going to make tech companies submit their AI models for safety testing,” admitted one anonymous official while frantically polishing his resume for OpenAI. “But then we realized: why protect humanity when we could protect profit margins instead?”
## INTERNATIONAL DIGITAL D*CK-MEASURING CONTEST HEATS UP
The UK’s spectacular regulatory collapse comes after Vice President JD Vance spent an AI summit in Paris essentially telling European regulators to shove their safeguards where the sun doesn’t shine. Britain responded by refusing to sign the Paris declaration endorsed by 66 other countries, essentially dropping its regulatory trousers and shouting “NOTICE US, DONNY!”
“We’re positioning ourselves to be America’s AI mistress,” explained Dr. Felicia McSellout, head of the newly formed Department of Digital Prostration. “France can have their baguettes and human rights. We’ll take the thinking rectangles and quarterly profits, thank you very much.”
## AMBASSADOR MANDELSON’S SECRET PLAN: “TURN UK INTO VEGAS FOR ALGORITHMS”
Reports indicate Peter Mandelson, UK ambassador to Washington, has drafted proposals essentially offering Britain as a consequence-free playground for American tech companies. The strategy reportedly includes tax holidays, regulatory blind eyes, and personal foot massages for CEOs of companies valued over $500 million.
“We’re creating a regulatory environment that makes the Wild West look like a preschool with helicopter parents,” boasted one minister who requested anonymity because “even I know this sh!t is embarrassing.”
## SAFETY CONCERNS? THAT’S SO 2023
While originally concerned AI might pose “risks to humanity,” the government now classifies such worries alongside other quaint notions like “privacy” and “democratic oversight.”
Professor Hugh Jasslikker from the Institute of Technological Submission explains: “Look, if we’re all going to be replaced by superintelligent code anyway, might as well make some money before the apocalypse. That’s just good British pragmatism.”
The government plans to rebrand its AI Safety Institute as the “AI Please-Come-Here-We’re-Begging-You Welcoming Committee,” complete with complimentary Union Jack underpants for visiting tech executives.
In related news, ministers are reportedly exploring the possibility of replacing Parliament with a single MacBook running an Excel spreadsheet titled “PROFITS.xlsx.”
