BILLIONAIRE’S BRAIN BLENDER BELCHES TOXIC CLOUDS OVER MEMPHIS, LOCALS TOLD TO “JUST BREATHE LESS”
Memphis, TN – In what experts are calling “the most predictable disaster since Musk named his child after a calculator error,” Elon Musk’s xAI supercomputer has transformed parts of Memphis into a real-life episode of The Simpsons, minus the charm and plus a lot more coughing.
NEIGHBORHOOD RESIDENTS RECEIVE MYSTERIOUS PAMPHLETS CLAIMING SMOKE IS “ATMOSPHERIC ENHANCEMENT”
Anonymous flyers appearing in historically Black neighborhoods claim the billows of smoke from Musk’s digital brain factory are “actually good for you” and “probably increase lifespan by 3-7 minutes.” The pamphlets, printed on paper that smells suspiciously like burning silicon, assure residents that the occasional rainbow sheen in puddles nearby is “just God’s way of saying technology is pretty.”
“The supercomputer releases less pollution than a butterfly fart,” reads one pamphlet, which local resident Debra Williams found suspicious since “last Tuesday my white cat turned gray just sitting on the porch.”
LOCAL OFFICIALS DESPERATELY TRYING TO KEEP BILLIONAIRE HAPPY
Memphis officials have bent over backward so far defending Musk they’ve practically formed a human pretzel. County Commissioner Todd Banksworth told reporters, “Sure, our air quality monitors are melting, but think of the JOBS! We’ve already hired three people to explain to children why the sky is now the color of a bruise!”
Dr. Clara Wheezy, pulmonologist and author of “Why Are Your Lungs Making That Sound?”, expressed concern about the environmental impact. “The supercomputer is generating enough heat and pollution to make Memphis the world’s first outdoor sauna where you can also get cancer,” she explained while fitting a gas mask. “But hey, at least we’ll have better chatbots to write our obituaries!”
SUPERCOMPUTER NICKNAMED “THE WHEEZE MACHINE” BY LOCALS
The xAI supercomputer, affectionately dubbed “Musk’s Folly” or “That Big Motherf@#ker That’s Killing My Garden” by locals, consumes roughly the same electricity as 47 small nations combined. Sources close to the project claim the machine spends 80% of its processing power generating new ways for Musk to call his critics “pedos” on social media.
“This is actually the cleanest supercomputer in history,” insisted xAI spokesman Chad Truthsmasher. “Any visible smoke is just excess intelligence escaping. The more you cough, the smarter you get!”
ENVIRONMENTAL IMPACT MEASURED IN “DUMPSTER FIRES PER SECOND”
Environmental scientist Dr. Alison Factual revealed that the xAI facility now ranks as Shelby County’s premier air polluter, surpassing previous record-holder “That Guy Who Keeps Trying to Deep-Fry Whole Turkeys In His Front Yard.”
“Our measurements indicate the facility emits approximately 72 metric tons of pollutants daily, or what we scientifically term as ‘holy sh!t that’s a lot,'” Dr. Factual explained. “At this rate, Memphis will soon have air you can serve as soup.”
MUSK PROMISES SOLUTIONS THAT ARE DEFINITELY NOT JUST MORE PROBLEMS
In response to growing criticism, Musk tweeted at 3:17 AM: “Will fix pollution by launching it into space on rockets which definitely don’t create more pollution lol.” He later added, “Anyway breathing is overrated, that’s why I’m developing the iLung subscription service.”
A company statement released Wednesday claimed the supercomputer is “training to solve climate change” and that “sometimes you have to destroy the environment to save it,” a statement that 97% of actual climate scientists responded to by drinking directly from bottles of whiskey during their Zoom interviews.
As Friday’s hearing approaches, residents remain skeptical. Local grandmother Esther Johnson, 78, summed up community sentiment: “I’ve lived through segregation, floods, and eight decades of Memphis summers, but this is the first time my porch swing has started dissolving.”
At press time, Musk was reportedly designing special “Not A Flamethrower 2.0” devices that would “solve the pollution by setting it on fire,” proving once again that when your only tool is audacity, every problem looks like an opportunity to make it worse.
