PANIC SETS IN AS BRITISH WORKERS FEAR INTELLIGENT TOASTERS MAY STEAL THEIR SPREADSHEETS
Half of UK adults lie awake at night sweating profusely about digital entities that don’t need tea breaks taking their jobs, according to a poll that confirms what we all feared: the robots aren’t coming, they’re f@#king here.
TERRIFIED OFFICE WORKERS PRACTICE SAYING “I’M UNIQUELY VALUABLE” IN BATHROOM MIRRORS
A staggering 51% of Brits are absolutely sh!tting themselves over the prospect of artificial intelligence either stealing their jobs outright or changing their work conditions to something even more soul-crushing than the current hellscape of open-plan offices and mandatory fun days.
“People are genuinely concerned that machines will do their jobs better, faster, and without complaining about the temperature or stealing Dave’s lunch from the communal fridge,” explained Dr. Panik Button, head of the Institute for Obvious Conclusions. “The average British worker spends approximately 37 hours per week pretending to work while actually scrolling social media. How can humans possibly compete with entities that don’t need to pretend?”
UNION LEADERS DEMAND “STEP CHANGE” WHILE HAVING NO CLUE WHAT THAT ACTUALLY MEANS
The Trades Union Congress is calling for a revolutionary approach to technology deployment, primarily consisting of strongly worded statements and emergency meetings that could have been emails.
“We need workers to have greater input on how technology is deployed,” insisted TUC spokesperson Harriet Jobsworth. “Like maybe ask us before replacing Sandra from accounting with a glorified calculator that doesn’t need pension contributions or smoke breaks.”
EXPERTS PREDICT 94% OF ALL JOBS WILL SOON REQUIRE SAYING “NO, I’M NOT AN ALGORITHM” DURING INTERVIEWS
Professor Miles Ahead from the University of Making Sh!t Up claims his research shows the most vulnerable professions include data entry, customer service, and “anyone whose job could be performed by a particularly motivated potato.”
“The British economy will fundamentally transform,” Ahead explained while nervously eyeing his smart speaker. “Soon the only secure careers will be as digital whisperers, algorithm psychologists, and people who unplug things when they start making ominous humming sounds.”
GOVERNMENT REASSURES PUBLIC WITH MOST USELESS STATEMENT IMAGINABLE
A government spokesperson attempted to calm fears by releasing a statement that appears to have been written by the very technology everyone’s afraid of.
“Technological advancement has always created new opportunities alongside challenges,” droned Under-secretary for Stating the Bloody Obvious, Nigel Platitude. “We’re committed to ensuring a just transition to whatever hellscape awaits us all.”
Meanwhile, 87% of politicians privately admit they have absolutely no f@#king clue how AI works but are “pretty sure it involves clouds or something.”
IN RELATED NEWS: NATION’S LUDDITES FEELING SMUGLY VALIDATED
Local technophobe Gerald Stoppit, 63, who still uses a Nokia 3310 and pays for everything with exact change, was reportedly spotted smirking uncontrollably at a bus stop.
“Been saying it for years, haven’t I?” Stoppit told anyone unfortunate enough to make eye contact. “First they came for the factory workers, then they came for the office drones, soon they’ll be writing the bloody news too.”
At press time, this reporter was informed that 73% of this article was generated by an intelligence that doesn’t require a lunch break, healthcare, or the will to live, confirming everyone’s worst fears while simultaneously rendering them unemployed.
