JOURNALISTS NOW COWERING IN BATHROOMS AS AI THREATENS TO WRITE BETTER FICTION THAN THEM
In what experts are calling “the most pathetic career extinction event since court jesters discovered the internet,” traditional journalists are reportedly spending their days in fetal positions as artificially intelligent word-generators prove they can make up bulls#!t stories just as effectively as humans with journalism degrees.
FICTIONAL TOWN DUPES REAL PUBLICATIONS, ACHIEVES HIGHER PROPERTY VALUES THAN LONDON
The non-existent mining town of Gravemont, conjured from the digital loins of a chatbot pretending to be “Margaux Blanchard,” has reportedly received seventeen tourism inquiries and three mortgage applications since being featured in respectable publications. Local estate agents in actual towns are furious that fictional properties now have better market prospects than their listings.
“It’s simply unfathomable,” said Dr. Writesalot Madeupname, Professor of Journalistic Integrity at the University of Obviously Fake Credentials. “These silicon-based sentence factories are bypassing years of training in how to ethically fabricate quotes by just f@#king making them up entirely.”
THE MINECRAFT WEDDING THAT WASN’T: PIXELS DEVASTATED BY CANCELED RECEPTION
In particularly heartbreaking news, the Minecraft couple who allegedly fell in love and got married in-game have announced their digital divorce after discovering neither of them actually exists. The pixelated cake, reportedly costing 43,000 real dollars, will be donated to hungry NPCs in less fortunate video games.
ACTUAL JOURNALIST UPSET THAT SOMETHING SHE HATES MIGHT REPLACE HER
Columnist Imogen West-Knights has bravely admitted that she absolutely f@#king loathes the technology that could make her obsolete, a position approximately 99.7% of workers throughout history have taken toward their mechanical replacements.
“I’m not worried about AI taking my job,” West-Knights didn’t actually say but we’re pretending she did. “I’m worried it’ll take my job AND be less whiny about deadlines.”
ENVIRONMENTAL IMPACT ASSESSMENT: AI VS JOURNALISTS
Studies conducted by the completely legitimate Institute for Comparative Carbon Footprints show that while an AI server farm produces the equivalent carbon emissions of a small country, a newsroom of human journalists produces enough hot air to accelerate climate change by approximately 73 years when discussing Twitter over free sandwiches.
“The problem isn’t that AI writes fiction,” explained Constance Paradox, Chief Technology Ethicist at Think Tank We Just Made Up. “The problem is that it’s cutting out the middleman – the journalist who traditionally would have exaggerated the facts themselves after three hurried phone calls and a quick skim of Wikipedia.”
In related news, journalism schools nationwide are now offering a new major: “Advanced Techniques in Proving You’re Not a Robot,” which includes courses such as “Captcha Mastery” and “How to Casually Mention Your Human Childhood in Every Paragraph.”
At press time, experts were unable to confirm whether this article was written by a human journalist or an AI having an existential crisis, but 87% agreed they couldn’t tell the f@#king difference anymore anyway.
