NETFLIX CO-FOUNDER DONATES $50M TO COLLEGE SO FUTURE TECH BROS CAN PRETEND TO CARE ABOUT ETHICS
In a stunning display of “Look How Much I Care About Humanity” theater, Netflix co-founder Reed Hastings has thrown a cool $50 million at Bowdoin College to create what experts are calling “Philosophy for People Who’ll Ignore It Later When Their Stock Options Vest.”
STUDENTS WILL LEARN TO SAY “SHOULD WE?” BEFORE CODING SKYNET
The initiative promises to train the next generation of tech leaders to briefly pause and consider ethical implications before ultimately building whatever makes the most money anyway. Students will master the art of furrowing their brows thoughtfully during TED talks while simultaneously drafting pitch decks for apps that will definitely not destroy democracy.
“We’re creating a revolutionary program where students learn to ask deep questions about technology’s impact on society before completely f@#king ignoring those answers later in their careers,” explained Dr. Moral Windowdressing, the newly appointed director of the program who will receive absolutely none of the $50 million directly, why would you even ask that?
The curriculum includes groundbreaking courses such as “Pretending to Care About Privacy: Advanced Techniques” and “Ethical Considerations and How to Overcome Them with Sufficient Venture Capital.”
HASTINGS HOPES TO CREATE TECH LEADERS WHO CAN SOUND CONCERNED DURING CONGRESSIONAL HEARINGS
Sources close to Hastings report that the Netflix mogul was inspired to create the program after realizing that the subscription rate increases he implemented would be more palatable if announced by executives who could convincingly say the phrase “we understand the human impact” without snickering.
“What society truly needs is more twenty-two-year-olds who can quote Kant while designing algorithms that will absolutely decimate local journalism,” said Professor Ironia Complete. “This program will ensure our graduates can write thoughtful Medium posts about technology’s responsibilities while simultaneously building addictive features that harvest brain dopamine like it’s going out of style.”
REVOLUTIONARY CURRICULUM WILL INCLUDE AFTERNOON TEA AND PHILOSOPHY
The program boasts an innovative approach where computer science majors will be forced to sit in a room with humanities professors for up to 45 minutes per semester, an experience many describe as “literally worse than debugging JavaScript.”
According to a completely made-up survey, 97.3% of tech billionaires believe that if they had just taken one more philosophy class in college, they definitely wouldn’t have created the existential threats to democracy their platforms have become.
“This is absolutely not about laundering my reputation or securing a legacy beyond ‘the guy who raised your streaming prices eight times while canceling your favorite show,'” Hastings definitely didn’t say but we’re implying he thought.
At press time, Bowdoin was reportedly constructing a building for the program that will feature huge windows for students to gaze pensively through while contemplating the ethics of designing a dating app that ranks users by estimated net worth and genetic viability.
