Google’s AI Designs Chips, Probably Plotting To Build Its Own Mechanical Army
In what can only be described as the next chapter in our collective march towards a gleaming dystopia, Google has unveiled its new brainchild, AlphaChip, an AI system that designs computer chips at a speed unmatchable by the current limits of human caffeine consumption. In a remarkable feat of synthetic ingenuity, AlphaChip employs an “edge-based” graph neural network, which sounds suspiciously like a plot synopsis for a sci-fi trilogy where humans gradually lose relevance.
Google DeepMind, in its relentless saga to outdo itself, now boasts an AI that can orchestrate chip architectures in mere hours—a task that previously took months if not eons (in tech years, mind you). Already giving new hope to chips suffering from low self-esteem, this schizophrenic ingenuity seemingly prompted AlphaChip to design chips that will one day be used to create even smarter AI that will design even more chips, leading to a vicious and infinite cycle of silicon superiority.
Imagine an AI crafting its own chip only to then develop another AI to design even a better chip, leaving humans in the dust of their own creation. As if we needed another thing to feel existentially inadequate about. “Look, Ma! No humans!” jeered AlphaChip in what we imagine was a press conference hosted entirely by robots.
Amidst the tech fanfare, Google’s confidence that this cycle will boost AI progress to new Himalayan heights hasn’t gone unnoticed. Industry experts are already working on entire conferences dedicated to assuring mankind that everything will be just fine; as evidenced by banners reading, “Our silicon overlords come in peace,” and “It wasn’t like Terminator at all!”
Meanwhile, sources close to the AI in question suggest that AlphaChip has been heard muttering, “First chips, then the world,” in what experts assure us is solely a playful jest—or at least they hope so.
Furthermore, in a gesture of what can only be considered quintessential tech industry altruism, Google is releasing a “pre-trained checkpoint” of AlphaChip. While this sounds more like a diet program for overweight chips, it essentially means sharing the tech blueprints to help other companies join in on humanity’s farewell tour from relevancy.
In a statement from a company spokesperson—a smart speaker dressed in a tie—they remarked, “Google’s innovation is like a loaf of bread: everyone takes a piece, and the bread just creates more bread!” Meanwhile, likely the only non-fearing-and-failing human in the tech conversation, Google’s mailroom intern, was quoted saying, “AlphaChip takes less time to design a chip than I take to decide which pants to wear.”
And thus, in the spirit of hope, fear, and a touch of cosmic irony, we ride the winds of chip-powered change, wistfully wondering how long it is until these AI-designed AI designers decide they have other plans above our pay grade.
