Meta’s Super Sleek Glasses Finally Allow You to See the Future—And It Looks Just Like Your Facebook Feed
In a revelation that’s bound to make your grandma think you’ve joined NASA, Meta has introduced Orion AR x AI glasses, a futuristic device promising to revolutionize the way humans stare blankly at animated virtual cat GIFs in augmented reality. During the jaw-droppingly overhyped Connect 2024 conference, CEO Mark Zuckerberg, who probably moonlights as a cyborg overlord, confidently announced that the hefty specs include only the essentials: sub-100g weight, wide fields of view, voice commands, and a special filter to prevent you from accidentally seeing Uncle Bob’s drunkenly uploaded barbecue selfies from 2009.
After a mere decade of development—which, in tech years, is about the time it takes for a floppy disk to evolve into a USB stick—Meta assures us that these miraculous glasses will not only change how you perceive reality but will also gently nudge you one step closer to total Meta brainwash. “We’re thrilled to finally bring this technology to the public,” proclaimed a Meta spokesperson, who has never actually used the word ‘thrilled’ in their life. “Our goal is to make everyone’s life more enriched, specifically in terms of providing ads every time you blink.”
The announcement also heralded the arrival of Llama 3.2, a major AI model supposedly capable of understanding both pictures and scrolling Facebook arguments equally. When asked about the model’s mysterious name, team member Alice “Definitely-Not-A-Bot” Thompson confirmed, “There’s no deeper significance to the Llama branding. We just thought it sounded exotic enough to baffle the competition.”
In other earth-shattering news, OpenAI announced a remarkable innovation: the sudden departure of its CTO, Mira Murati. Although sources are tight-lipped, rumor has it she might have attempted to repurpose OpenAI’s breakthrough models to predict when some of their projects might actually work. “It’s a loss for the company, sure,” commented CEO Sam Altman, “But we have Sam Altman, the Hero AI didn’t know it needed.” Altman has promised to reveal a plan when Jupiter aligns with Mars, and he’s located a thesaurus to find a replacement for his favorite term, “soon.”
In conclusion, with even more developments in the world of artificial intelligence, such as AI models predicting your next social media disaster, and tools to help you turn your living room into a Virtual Reality dystopia, it’s clear we’re living in a sci-fi movie. But remember, in Zuckerberg’s utopia, the glasses might be rose-tinted, but they’re mainly designed so you can look at more ads. Stay tuned!
