FIRST LADY’S AI CONTEST PROMISES CHILDREN’S DYSTOPIAN SOLUTIONS TO PROBLEMS ADULTS CREATED
In a move that absolutely everyone was asking for, Melania Trump has launched a nationwide contest encouraging America’s youth to solve community problems with artificial intelligence, because apparently adults have completely given up.
CHILDREN: THE NEW TECH SUPPORT FOR SOCIETY’S COLLAPSE
The first lady’s initiative invites K-12 students to “unleash their imagination” using silicon-based thinking rectangles to fix issues like crumbling infrastructure, climate catastrophe, and the crushing weight of student loan debt their parents still haven’t paid off.
“We want children to showcase the spirit of American innovation,” said Mrs. Trump, apparently forgetting that most schools can’t afford pencils, let alone quantum computing labs. When reminded of this fact, she reportedly responded, “Let them eat code.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN ON THIS SH!T SHOW
“This is f@#king brilliant,” said Dr. Passin D’Buck, Director of Adult Responsibility Avoidance at the National Institute of Making Kids Fix Our Mess. “Why solve problems ourselves when we can make 8-year-olds do it with technology they don’t understand? Next week, we’re having kindergartners redesign our nuclear defense systems.”
Professor Shirley Notkidding from the Department of Educational Nightmares adds, “Nothing says ‘we value education’ like asking children who can’t legally drive to develop algorithm-based solutions to community issues that took decades of systemic failure to create.”
PARENTS REACT WITH PREDICTABLE HORROR
Local parent Jamie Overthis told reporters, “My kid still eats glue sometimes, but sure, let’s have him develop an AI solution for the opioid crisis.” Another parent, speaking on condition of anonymity because their child might read this, said, “My daughter asked if she could train an AI to make her dad come back. So that’s where we’re at.”
TEACHERS ALREADY UPDATING RÉSUMÉS
Teachers nationwide are thrilled about the contest, with approximately 97.3% of educators responding “Are you f@#king kidding me?” when asked for comment. The remaining 2.7% were too busy buying school supplies with their own money to respond.
“I spent six years getting my master’s degree in education just to watch my curriculum get replaced by ChatGPT,” said high school teacher Alex Exhausted. “Now I’m supposed to enthusiastically support children using technology that will eventually take my job? Cool cool cool.”
WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?
Contest officials promise rigorous oversight of children’s AI creations, which will be provided by the same government that can’t figure out how to mute themselves on Zoom calls two years into using the platform.
Early contest entries reportedly include “An AI that makes my parents stop fighting,” “RoboTeacher 3000: Now With Emotions,” and “Algorithm to Determine When Adults Are Lying About Climate Change” – all of which are equally likely to either save humanity or trigger the apocalypse.
At press time, officials confirmed that any child whose AI solution actually works will be immediately hired by the Pentagon at a salary higher than their parents’ combined income, because in America, nothing says success like weaponizing a child’s imagination.
