AUTHORS ASKED TO SIGN AWAY SOULS TO AI DEMON WHILE PUBLISHERS OFFER EXPOSURE AND HALF A SANDWICH IN RETURN
Australian writers received the literary equivalent of a colonoscopy this week when Melbourne publisher Black Inc Books demanded they consent to having their precious word-babies fed into the gaping maw of artificial intelligence, effectively asking them to “sign our own death warrant,” according to authors who are somehow still expecting to be paid for their work like it’s 1995.
WRITERS DISCOVER INDUSTRY VALUES THEM EVEN LESS THAN PREVIOUSLY THOUGHT POSSIBLE
In what experts are calling “the most innovative way to f@#k over creatives since unpaid internships,” authors were given until today to agree to let their carefully crafted sentences become digital slurry for an unnamed AI company’s brain-smoothie. The proposal essentially tells writers: “Hey, remember all those words you agonized over? We’d like to liquefy them and inject them into algorithms that will eventually make your job as relevant as a town crier.”
“This is simply the natural progression of the publishing industry’s commitment to screwing over writers,” explained literary analyst Dr. Paynee Pennies, author of the bestselling book “Why Not Just Get a Real Job Already?” “First they offered royalty percentages that wouldn’t buy a cup of coffee, then they eliminated advances, and now they want to use authors’ work to train their replacement. It’s beautifully circular, like a toilet flush.”
PUBLISHERS INTRODUCE REVOLUTIONARY NEW PAYMENT SYSTEM: ABSOLUTELY F@#KING NOTHING
The unnamed AI company behind this generous offer reportedly plans to compensate writers with “exposure,” “valuable experience,” and “the warm feeling of contributing to the technological singularity that will eventually render your entire profession obsolete.”
According to industry insider Professor Cash N. Burnett, “Publishers have calculated that the exact monetary value of a writer’s dignity comes to approximately zero dollars and zero cents, which coincidentally is what most authors earn annually anyway.”
A survey conducted by the We Don’t Give A Sh!t About Writers Foundation found that 97% of publishers believe authors should be grateful for the opportunity to have their work digitally disemboweled and reassembled by silicon-based sentence shufflers. The remaining 3% thought the number should be 100%.
WRITERS CONSIDER ALTERNATIVE CAREER PATHS LIKE PROFESSIONAL BEGGING
Local author Penny Wordsmith, who spent seven years writing her debut novel only to earn $3.42 in royalties, expressed her excitement about the new arrangement: “I’ve always dreamed of having my life’s work used to train a technology that will eventually generate content indistinguishable from mine, but in 0.02 seconds and without requiring food or healthcare.”
“Next time I’m at the supermarket checkout and can’t afford groceries, I’ll just explain that I’ve contributed to the advancement of machine learning,” Wordsmith added before attempting to pay her rent with a printout of her publishing contract.
In response to the backlash, Black Inc Books issued a statement: “We value our writers enormously, just not in any way that involves actual money or respect for their intellectual property. We believe that by surrendering their work to train AI, authors can participate in the exciting new frontier of being completely f@#king irrelevant.”
As of press time, 89% of Australian writers were reportedly updating their resumes to apply for jobs at McDonald’s, where at least the exploitation comes with free fries.
