REANIMATED CHARLES DARWIN NOW TEACHING KIDS EVOLUTION, WARNS “ONLY THE TECHNOLOGICALLY FIT WILL SURVIVE”
In a shocking development that has educational experts sh!tting their pants, English schools have begun replacing actual teachers with digitally resurrected historical figures, starting with Charles “I’m Back From The Dead” Darwin explaining natural selection to increasingly terrified children.
ZOMBIE DARWIN TELLS KIDS: “ADAPT TO AI OR PERISH”
The Victorian naturalist, whose consciousness has been questionably uploaded into the school’s computer system, reportedly told a classroom of wide-eyed 9-year-olds: “Those who fail to adapt to our new silicon overlords shall be naturally selected for extinction. Now who wants to see my finch collection?”
“Kids are definitely more engaged,” claimed headmaster Phillip Oblivious. “Before they were just bored. Now they’re experiencing existential terror. That’s growth!”
THE DIGITAL RESURRECTION PROGRAM EXPANDS
Other schools report similar success with their own historically accurate AI abominations. At St. Mary’s Primary in Leeds, William Shakespeare now grades essays while calling students “pustulent codpieces” when they misuse semicolons.
“The children’s writing has improved 78% since Shakespeare began threatening to put them in his next tragedy,” beamed English teacher Miranda Delusional. “Though we did have to update the fire extinguishers after he tried to burn a child’s notebook for using ‘literally’ incorrectly.”
LUTON REIMAGINED AS A CAR, RESIDENTS UNCERTAIN HOW TO FEEL
In perhaps the most disturbing application, the town of Luton has been digitally transformed into an automobile, raising serious questions about consent and dignity.
“I’m not sure how to feel about my hometown being turned into a f@#king Vauxhall,” said longtime resident Terry Bewildered. “Though property values have increased 15% since we became a sedan, so there’s that.”
EDUCATION EXPERTS DIVIDED OVER “DIGITAL NECROMANCY”
Dr. Ima Skeptic, head of the Center for Not Being Idiots About Technology, expressed concerns: “We’ve gone from ‘AI might take your job’ to ‘AI will resurrect historical figures to take your job’ in record time. Also, what the sh!t is happening in Luton?”
Meanwhile, Professor Techno Optimist of the Institute for Delusional Digital Dreams insists this is all fine: “Kids today need to learn from history’s greatest minds, not some teacher who went to university for years and understands childhood development. Darwin himself would approve of this evolution in education, probably.”
PARENTS REPORT 97% INCREASE IN NIGHTMARES
A recent survey revealed that children exposed to AI-reanimated historical figures experience a 97% increase in nightmares, with one third reporting dreams where “Darwin’s beard grows until it consumes the classroom.”
Despite these concerns, Education Secretary Bridget Phillipson continues to push for what she calls a “digital revolution,” apparently unaware that most revolutions end with heads on spikes.
At press time, several primary schools announced plans to introduce AI-generated Margaret Thatcher to teach economics by making children fight over a single carton of milk, proving that not even death can stop controversial education policies.
