UK Throws £81 Million at Cosmic Rays and Plankton in Bold Attempt to “Sense Doom” Before It Happens

The UK government, never one to let a good crisis go to waste, has decided to drop a casual £81 million on a futuristic crystal ball project designed to predict when Earth will finally tap out. The ambitious scheme will employ fleets of drones, cosmic ray detectors, and even patterns in plankton blooms—because if anyone knows when disaster is coming, it’s microscopic sea creatures.

The Advanced Research and Invention Agency (Aria), known for funding projects with high risk and even higher nonsense potential, is leading the charge. The goal? To decode so-called “climate tipping points,” which essentially means figuring out the exact moment when we’ve pushed global temperatures so far that Mother Nature finally decides to go full scorched-earth mode.

“We’re using cosmic rays to detect environmental shifts,” said Dr. Oliver Fenwick-Blythe, lead researcher and apparent sci-fi enthusiast. “Because the best way to tackle climate change isn’t with regulation or reduced emissions, but with deep-space radiation and possibly some very intuitive plankton.”

Despite their dedication to prediction, critics argue that knowing exactly which second the ship sinks is somewhat less urgent than, say, fixing the giant hole in the hull. “We keep throwing money at telling us how doomed we are, instead of, I don’t know, reducing emissions,” grumbled climate activist Lola Kensington. “But sure, let’s ask the f#&$% plankton how we’re doing.”

Of course, the AI models involved will be the most advanced yet, proving once and for all that even artificial intelligence is now being trained to watch humanity ruin everything in real time. The first predictions are expected within a few years, hopefully far enough ahead to schedule a proper farewell party before the last glacier waves goodbye.