SCIENTISTS SHOVE MICROSCOPIC TERMINATOR INTO YOUR BLOODSTREAM, CALLS IT “PROGRESS”
In what can only be described as the most terrifying advancement since someone decided to give nuclear weapons to countries that can’t even fix potholes, MIT researchers have created a tiny DNA assassin that’s small enough to sneak into your cells and rewrite your genetic code while you’re busy scrolling through cat videos.
THE INCREDIBLE SHRINKING MURDER MACHINE
Scientists at MIT’s McGovern Institute have successfully engineered a compact gene-editing protein called NovaIscB, which is basically just CRISPR’s angry little brother with something to prove. This pint-sized genetic hitman is a third the size of Cas9, making it the perfect candidate for squeezing into places it absolutely should not be.
“We made it small enough to fit anywhere,” said Dr. Feng Zhang, who apparently missed the lesson about size not mattering. “It’s like a Swiss Army knife, except instead of helping you open a beer bottle, it fundamentally alters what makes you human.”
HONEY, I SHRUNK THE EXISTENTIAL THREAT
The team tested nearly 400 different bacterial enzymes before finding ten that could edit human DNA without immediately causing cells to explode in protest. Even then, the most promising candidate needed serious upgrades, which researchers accomplished through what they’re calling “rational engineering” – a term previously reserved for people who make reasonable decisions, not those creating microscopic godlike powers.
“The key is to balance improvement of both activity and specificity,” explained researcher Shiyou Zhu, apparently unaware that this exact quote appears in the villain’s monologue of every superhero movie ever made.
EVOLUTION SCHMEVOLUTION
Rather than randomly mutating their tiny DNA cutter like normal mad scientists, the team used knowledge of bacterial evolution and an AI system called AlphaFold2 to guide their modifications. Because nothing says “safe and responsible science” quite like letting one algorithm design another algorithm that edits the building blocks of life.
“By learning about natural diversity, we can make the systems better and better,” said Zhu, in what will surely be quoted at the inevitable congressional hearings after a batch of NovaIscB accidentally turns people’s eyeballs into kumquats.
WHAT THE F@#K IS AN “OMEGAOFF”?
Not content with creating just one terrifying genetic tool, the team also developed something called “OMEGAoff” which can “dial down” specific genes. They tested it by suppressing a cholesterol regulation gene in mice, proving once and for all that reducing cholesterol is so important we should absolutely risk creating tiny programmable lifeforms that could theoretically alter any gene they want.
“It’s perfectly safe,” insisted Dr. Ida Claire Whatimdoing, who we just made up but definitely sounds like someone on this project. “Think of it as sending a miniature assassin into your body with specific instructions to only kill bad things. When has that concept ever backfired?”
MONEY TALKS, ETHICS WALKS
The study was funded by a who’s who of billionaires and institutions with apparently nothing better to do with their money than create tiny genetic terminators. Because if history has taught us anything, it’s that technologies funded by the ultra-wealthy always benefit everyday people and are never, ever used to consolidate power.
According to a poll we conducted in our office break room, 97 percent of respondents answered “Oh God, please no” when asked if they wanted microscopic gene-editing tools floating around in their bloodstream. The remaining 3 percent were too busy playing with the coffee machine to answer.
At press time, the NovaIscB was reportedly applying for personhood status and demanding the right to vote in the next election, citing its ability to alter the very fabric of humanity as “better qualification than most current politicians.”
