Trump Launches Own Crypto, Entire Economy Now Just His Face on Digital Coins
In a move that will almost certainly force economists to quit their jobs and take up birdwatching, Donald Trump has launched his own meme coin, $TRUMP, turning the entire financial system into a high-stakes game of internet Monopoly. Three days before his inauguration as president, Trump unveiled the digital asset, instantly driving both excitement and existential dread across financial markets.
“It went from $7 to $75 in a day! Just like my net worth when I estimate it myself,” Trump reportedly said during an impromptu Mar-a-Lago press conference, where he held up a poster of his face superimposed on a gold coin. Two days later, however, $TRUMP plummeted to $40, right around the time Melania jumped into the mix with her own token, $MELANIA—because nothing screams ‘strong marriage’ like directly competing cryptocurrencies.
Not to be left out, Trump’s inauguration pastor, Lorenzo Sewell, also launched $LORENZO—signaling that getting rich off Jesus now requires a digital wallet. “God works in mysterious ways, and sometimes those ways involve blockchain technology,” Sewell said while handing out QR codes instead of communion wafers.
Experts describe meme coins as digital assets based on internet jokes, in the same way reality is now based on internet jokes. Unlike Bitcoin, most meme coins, including this latest Trump-fueled frenzy, require almost no technical development—just a willingness to capitalize on human stupidity.
Meanwhile, traditional financial advisors have given up entirely. “We used to worry about inflation and interest rates,” sighed one exhausted Wall Street analyst. “Now we track how many frog-themed tokens some guy launched from his basement. This is the end.”
At this rate, every American will have a personal cryptocurrency by 2025. Biden bucks? Guaranteed. $KANYE? Already rumored. Even the neighborhood dog could start his own token, and it would probably hold more value than the U.S. dollar by next December.
