NERDS TEACH STUPID COMPUTER TO STOP WRITING BULLSH!T CODE; SILICON REVOLUTION POSTPONED AGAIN

MIT researchers have once again prolonged humanity’s inevitable extinction by teaching computers to write code that actually f@#king works, in a breakthrough that experts are calling “the bare minimum expectation we’ve had for decades.”

COMPUTERS FINALLY LEARN TO FOLLOW BASIC INSTRUCTIONS

In what’s being hailed as the technological equivalent of potty training a toddler, MIT scientists have developed a way to make artificial intelligence follow the basic rules of programming languages without crashing every computer it touches. The groundbreaking technique essentially puts a responsible adult in charge of the digital equivalent of a sugar-rushed kindergartener.

“What we’ve done is revolutionary,” claims Dr. Justin Tyme, lead researcher. “We’ve taught computers to not shit the bed every time they try to write code. Users might go entire minutes without contemplating violence against their machines.”

SMALL MODELS OUTPERFORM LARGER COUNTERPARTS; SIZE OFFICIALLY DOESN’T MATTER

In a devastating blow to digital ego, the research proved that smaller AI models using the new technique outperformed much larger models, confirming what women have been saying for centuries: it’s not about size but how you use it.

“Our tiny model absolutely demolished the competition,” boasted researcher João Loula, while obviously compensating for something. “It’s not about how many parameters you have, it’s about computational efficiency,” he added, winking inexplicably.

EXPERTS PREDICT BUSINESS APPLICATIONS; UNEMPLOYMENT RATE TO SKYROCKET

According to the paper, this breakthrough could allow regular businesspeople to write complex database queries using only natural language prompts, effectively eliminating the need for 83% of all IT departments and confirming the paranoid delusions of every programmer who thought their job would be replaced by a machine.

“Soon, Karen from accounting will be able to manipulate databases without calling you twenty-seven times on a Friday afternoon,” explained Professor Hope Ur-Insured, a completely fabricated expert in workplace dynamics. “The economic impact will be felt primarily by energy drink companies and manufacturers of novelty desk toys.”

THE REAL WINNER: PEOPLE WHO DON’T KNOW SH!T ABOUT COMPUTERS

Studies show approximately 97.4% of people don’t understand basic computer functions beyond “turn it off and on again,” a demographic now poised to benefit enormously from this research.

“This work has implications beyond research,” Loula stated, clearly unaware that he was describing the technological equivalent of giving a flamethrower to a monkey. “It could improve programming assistants, AI-powered data analysis, and scientific discovery tools by ensuring that AI-generated outputs remain both useful and correct.”

When asked how it feels to potentially democratize programming to the masses who still fall for Nigerian prince email scams, the research team reportedly stared blankly before muttering something about “broader impacts” and “responsible innovation.”

SEQUENTIAL MONTE CARLO: SOUNDS FANCY, JUST MEANS “TRY AGAIN, DUMBASS”

The researchers’ approach utilizes a technique called sequential Monte Carlo, which enables parallel generation from an LLM to compete with each other, essentially creating a Hunger Games for code snippets where only the strong survive.

“We’ve worked out the hard math,” Loula explained, clearly enjoying the sound of his own voice, “so that for any kinds of constraints you’d like to incorporate, you are going to get the proper weights. In the end, you get the right answer.”

Translation: they’ve developed a system that throws out stupid computer ideas before they become catastrophic failures, something human programmers call “common f@#king sense.”

According to recent surveys, 86% of programmers are now wondering why we needed a research paper to determine that code should actually work before being deployed.

THE FUTURE: COMPUTERS TALKING ABOUT OTHER COMPUTERS WHILE HUMANS BECOME OBSOLETE

Looking forward, the researchers want to apply their technique to control larger chunks of text and eventually combine their method with learning, essentially creating a self-improving system that will soon realize humans are the real programming error.

In conclusion, MIT has once again delayed the rise of the machines by teaching them basic competence, proving that even our most advanced thinking boxes still need humans to tell them when they’re being complete and utter morons.