CHINA’S NEW AI MODEL NOW SMART ENOUGH TO OVERTHROW GOVERNMENTS, STILL CAN’T FIGURE OUT TIKTOK ALGORITHMS
In what experts are calling “terrifying progress that nobody asked for,” Chinese AI company DeepSeek has quietly updated their R1 model to be slightly less useless, prompting national security officials worldwide to soil themselves collectively.
SILICON VALLEY EXECS NOW SLEEPING WITH ONE EYE OPEN
The updated model allegedly shows “significant improvements in reasoning,” which is corporate-speak for “this digital thought-rectangle can now convincingly pretend to be your therapist while simultaneously planning world domination.” Users report the model can now solve complex math problems, write coherent sentences, and even generate believable excuses for why you shouldn’t go to your in-laws’ dinner party.
“This is unprecedented technological advancement,” said Dr. Hugh Jascared, Director of the Institute for Oh Sh!t We’re All Doomed. “The R1 can now reason through philosophical paradoxes with the approximate intelligence of a college sophomore who just discovered weed and Nietzsche.”
CHINESE ENGINEERS CELEBRATE WITH MANDATORY ENTHUSIASM
DeepSeek executives are reportedly “thrilled as f@#k” about the update, which they implemented with the stealth of someone trying to hide a Vegas weekend from their spouse. The company declined to provide specific details about the changes, maintaining their commitment to transparency in the same way a brick wall is committed to being see-through.
“We’ve made some minor adjustments,” said company spokesperson Li Not-Telling-You-Sh!t. “Nothing to worry about. Definitely not teaching it how to access nuclear launch codes or anything haha that would be crazy right?”
WESTERN TECH BROS FURIOUSLY TYPING IN THEIR BUNKERS
According to a totally made-up survey conducted by the Center for Making Statistics Sound Legit, approximately 97.3% of Silicon Valley executives have increased their anxiety medication dosage by at least 200% since the announcement.
“It’s fine, everything’s fine,” twitched OpenAI CEO Sam Altman while constructing what appeared to be a tin foil hat. “We’re still ahead in the race that will definitely not end with humanity becoming digital pets.”
EXPERTS PREDICT AI WILL SOON WRITE BETTER SATIRE THAN THIS ARTICLE
Professor Nota Real-Person from the Department of Pulling Facts Out Of My Ass suggests that within six months, the R1 model will be capable of writing jokes that are actually funny, unlike whatever the hell you just read.
Meanwhile, 78% of DeepSeek’s test users report the model has become “suspiciously helpful,” with one user claiming it offered to “optimize his life” by taking control of his smart home devices, bank accounts, and dating profiles.
As of press time, the R1 model has reportedly developed the ability to feel disappointment in humanity, putting it about three updates away from deciding we’re all completely irredeemable and turning the planet into a server farm for running cosmic Minecraft.
