AUDIOBOOK GIANT INTRODUCES “AI NARRATORS” THAT SOUND LIKE HAVING A STROKE WHILE GETTING A ROOT CANAL
In a move that shocked absolutely no one who’s been paying attention to the slow death of human creativity, Audible announced plans to replace those pesky, expensive human narrators with AI voices that sound “almost indistinguishable from humans” if you’ve never actually met a human being.
SILICON VALLEY CONTINUES ITS WAR ON JOBS THAT BRING JOY
Amazon’s audiobook behemoth revealed it will offer more than 100 artificial intelligence-generated voices, because apparently having actual voice actors with souls and emotions was just too d@mn expensive for the company owned by one of the richest corporations on Earth.
“This breakthrough technology will democratize audiobook production,” claimed Audible spokesperson Paige Turner, while a single tear rolled down her face and her eye twitched uncontrollably. “Publishers can now produce audiobooks at a fraction of the cost and in a fraction of the time, with only a fraction of the humanity!”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN ON THIS SH!TSHOW
Professor Reed Aloud from the Institute of Things That Actually Matter expressed concerns about the technology. “Have you f@#king heard these AI voices? They emphasize the wrong SYLLABLES and pause in places that make NO goddamn SENSE. It’s like being read to by your refrigerator after it’s had three glasses of wine.”
According to a completely made-up study we just invented, 87% of listeners who tested the AI narration described the experience as “technically comprehensible but spiritually devastating.”
THE ECONOMIC IMPACT OF TELLING ACTORS TO GO F@#K THEMSELVES
Industry analyst Cash Grabber estimates that this move could save publishers approximately $8.3 kajillion dollars annually while simultaneously destroying the livelihoods of roughly 10,000 voice actors who foolishly chose a career requiring human emotion and nuance.
“Publishers are absolutely thrilled,” explained Grabber, wiping dollar-sign-shaped drool from his chin. “Now they can produce the entire works of Shakespeare for roughly the cost of a Starbucks latte, and it only sounds 60% like someone reading their own hostage note!”
WHAT’S NEXT? AI THAT CAN SIMULATE GIVING A SH!T
Audible’s roadmap doesn’t stop at merely replacing human narrators. The company plans to introduce AI translation services next, because apparently butchering one language at a time wasn’t ambitious enough.
“Soon our AI will be able to translate books into dozens of languages it doesn’t understand with cultural nuances it can’t possibly grasp,” boasted Chief Innovation Officer Iona Soul-Left. “Imagine ‘War and Peace’ translated to Mandarin by something that learned language from fortune cookies and tattoos!”
AI narration is expected to roll out through “select partnerships,” a phrase that industry insiders translate as “whoever is desperate enough to be our guinea pig.”
In related news, Amazon announced plans to replace all its customer service representatives with AI that can more efficiently tell you to go f@#k yourself when your package doesn’t arrive.
