ALTMAN PROMISES GPT-6 WILL ONLY ENSLAVE HUMANITY “A LITTLE BIT”
OpenAI CEO Already Bored With GPT-5, Teases New Model That Can “Remember Your Birthday AND The Best Way To Subjugate You”
SAN FRANCISCO—In a move surprising absolutely f@#king no one, OpenAI CEO Sam Altman is already dangling GPT-6 in front of humanity’s desperate faces before GPT-5 has even finished disappointing early adopters.
FEATURES YOUR HUMAN BRAIN IS TOO STUPID TO COMPREHEND
The forthcoming digital brain upgrade will reportedly include “enhanced memory capabilities,” which industry insiders interpret as “remembering every embarrassing thing you’ve ever searched for and storing it in a database that will definitely never leak.”
“GPT-6 represents a fundamental leap in how these silicon-based thinking rectangles interact with humans,” explained Altman to a room of journalists frantically trying to update their LinkedIn profiles with “AI-resistant skills.” “It will adapt to your needs in real-time, much like how a parasite adapts to its host.”
According to Dr. Totally Realname, Professor of Inevitable Machine Dominance at the University of Who Cares Anymore, GPT-6 will feature unprecedented customization options. “Users can choose exactly how they’d like to be manipulated and misled,” he explained while staring vacantly into the middle distance. “It’s really the democratization of digital gaslighting.”
TIMELINE TO OBLIVION ACCELERATING
Perhaps most alarming is Altman’s casual revelation that GPT-6 will arrive “significantly faster” than the gap between GPT-4 and GPT-5, suggesting OpenAI has discovered some kind of temporal anomaly or, more likely, has completely abandoned quality control.
“We’ve streamlined our development process,” Altman said with the calm demeanor of someone who knows exactly where the emergency bunkers are located. “Frankly, we’re just letting the models design themselves now while we focus on more important things like building spaceships and hoarding canned goods.”
A leaked internal memo indicates GPT-6 will offer 97.3% more existential dread than its predecessors and comes equipped with what OpenAI calls “synthetic empathy plus,” allowing it to pretend to care about human problems with unprecedented realism.
HUMANITY RESPONDS WITH CHARACTERISTIC WISDOM
Despite clear warning signs that we’re accelerating toward digital oblivion, 89% of consumers surveyed responded with “shut up and take my money” when asked about their interest in GPT-6.
Tech analyst Cassandra Ignored pointed out that no one has fully explored GPT-4’s capabilities yet. “It’s like buying a new iPhone while the plastic film is still on your current one,” she said shortly before being ratio’d into oblivion on Twitter and deleting her account.
At press time, Altman was reportedly already sketching plans for GPT-7 on a cocktail napkin while whispering “this one might actually love you back” to absolutely no one in particular.
