**”Pope Francis Urges AI to Repent, Warns of ‘Crisis of Truth’ While Trying to Unsubscribe from ChatGPT’s Daily Gospel Newsletter”**
In an impassioned address to the world’s billionaire ski enthusiasts and accidental global policymakers gathered at Davos, Pope Francis, spiritual leader and self-proclaimed CEO of Team Humanity, warned that artificial intelligence could bulldoze society’s already wobbly relationship with the truth. This declaration comes as ChatGPT reportedly attempted to out-quote the Pope during a theological debate about whether pineapple belongs on pizza. Spoiler: AI prefers pineapple slices pixelated.
Invoking phrases such as “crisis of truth” and “critical concerns,” Francis called for leaders to keep a tight leash on AI. “If you wouldn’t leave your toddler unattended with a vat of Nutella, why do we leave AI alone with our entire universe of data?” the Pope quipped, eliciting a chuckle from the Dalai Lama, who Zoomed into the session wearing AirPods, allegedly borrowed from Jeff Bezos.
The Pope’s warning sounded eerily specific as he recounted AI entities producing deepfakes convincing enough to turn water into wine—and not the good Bordeaux kind but the $8 boxed wine creators justify bringing to parties. “Gone are the days when the hardest truth to swallow was whether to eat fish on Fridays,” Francis lamented. “Now you don’t even know if the fish was photoshopped onto your plate.”
Tech moguls, social media influencers, and world leaders at the summit took his concerns half-seriously, just as they do with most spiritual matters. Elon Musk reportedly tweeted mid-sermon, “Would be sick if AI made a Pope simulator. 10/10 would confess my sins.” Meanwhile, Mark Zuckerberg was seen programming a “Meta-Heaven,” in case the Vatican starts charging for salvation.
One of the most alarming anecdotes came when Francis revealed that the Vatican’s social media team accidentally approved an AI-generated meme of Saint Peter dabbing with the text: “Keys to Heaven: Formatted AF.” The Pope called the incident a “wake-up call” about the lack of oversight and the peril of eternal cringe.
But some tech billionaires remained unfazed. Attendees like Larry Ellison opined afterward that “crisis of truth” could just be rebranded as “diversified realities” for better marketing appeal. “I mean, the AI apocalypse sounds bad, but if I can sell software to survive it, then what’s the problem?” Ellison reportedly muttered over caviar that, upon analysis, turned out to be an augmented reality experience.
Francis ended his speech with a plea. “My children, we must practice diligence, vigilance, and perhaps…just turning the damn thing off,” the Pope declared, shaking an unplugged Alexa device in one hand like a 21st-century relic. “If we don’t, we risk creating a world where ‘the Word of God’ becomes just another feature in Microsoft Word—with ‘smite’ set as autocorrect.”
The pontiff left the stage to a standing ovation, but not before his AI voice clone serenaded the audience with a Gregorian chant oddly remixed with dubstep. “We have much to reflect on,” said Klaus Schwab, founder of the World Economic Forum. “And by reflect, I mean implement AI tax schemes that sound virtuous but are 98% loophole by weight.”
Meanwhile, back in the Vatican, rumors of a robot cardinal being appointed to digitize confessionals have not been entirely dismissed. And somewhere, Siri quietly muttered, “Forgive him, Father, for he does not know what he programs.”
