BREAKING: FORGETFUL HUMANS REJOICE AS $39.99 NOTE-TAKING APP VOWS TO REMEMBER ALL THE CRAP YOU CAN’T
In a move heralded by procrastinators and scatterbrains worldwide, humanity’s over-reliance on artificial intelligence has reached dazzling new heights with the release of a “life-saving” $39.99 note-taking app that promises to record, transcribe, summarize, and generally babysit your thoughts for eternity—or at least until Skynet changes its subscription model.
This revolutionary app, available exclusively for Apple devices (because Android users apparently still rely on Post-it notes stuck to the fridge), boldly states that it will “organize your notes like never before.” Critics, however, suggest it’s just another tool in humanity’s quest to hand off even the simplest cognitive tasks to a machine. “How hard is it to jot things down on a napkin, Karen?” asked Lou Jenkins, self-proclaimed handwriting activist. “At this rate, AI’s going to be tasked with remembering people’s wedding anniversaries, Dads’ birthdays, and whether we like chunky or smooth peanut butter.”
Despite the skepticism, tech enthusiasts are hailing the $39.99 one-time purchase as a small price to pay for outsourcing their entire brain to an app. “Honestly, my brain hit max capacity ages ago,” said Cody Whitmore, a 34-year-old tech bro who claims his whole personality is now synced to the app. “Now I just dump my thoughts into My Notes AI Pro and move on. The other day, I forgot my own middle name—no problem, it was in the app. Incredible.”
The app’s key features—a high-tech blend of recording, transcription, and “summarizing the garbled nonsense you mutter during brainstorming sessions at 2 a.m.”—have left users in awe. “I told it to record my ideas for a startup where pelicans deliver packages,” said one user, Jessica. “When I read the summary later, it transformed my drunken rambling into a coherent business pitch. Now I’m $88,000 in debt and own seven pelicans. Amazing technology.”
Some experts warn, however, that apps like this may increase our dependency on AI to a disturbing degree. Dr. Emily Stanton, a behavioral psychologist, suggested that the average user is just a software update away from forgetting how to tie their own shoes without an algorithm. “We’re creating a society where people are too lazy to even remember what they need to do later,” Stanton noted. “It’s cute until someone forgets they’re supposed to pick up their kid from soccer and ends up adding ‘parenting’ to a subscription plan.”
Apple users, however, seem unfazed. “Honestly, I bought the app because I’ve been losing everything lately—my car keys, my dignity, my will to live during 9 a.m. Zoom calls,” said Sarah Becker, who claims the Notes AI reminded her to break up with her toxic boyfriend. “That alone is worth $39.99, plus tax.”
In response to the overwhelming success, the app’s developers are already working on the next iteration, which will feature “automatic sarcasm detection,” so your boss can instantly get offended the moment you mutter, “Sure, I’d *love* to attend another useless meeting.”
“Welcome to humanity’s long-term memory, brought to you by a single one-time payment,” said the app’s CEO, who was quoted saying the same scripted line via My Notes AI Pro. “This is the future: forget everything about life except your iCloud password.”
At press time, sales of spiral notebooks had fallen 92%, and an Apple spokesperson announced plans for a $799 premium version of the app that can also record “intentions you have absolutely no plan to follow through on.” Signs of societal collapse include productivity apps now needing their own therapist apps.