Dating App of the Future Guarantees Perfect Matches and Existential Despair—Up to 50% Off This Week!
In a groundbreaking reality where romance is just a swipe away—or maybe an Orwellian nightmare, depending on your level of cynicism—the year is 2043, and algorithms are ready to play Cupid. The theatre’s latest production, “Distant Memories of the Near Future,” presents a biting comedy about how love can now be calculated with the precision of a disgruntled accountant armed with a supercomputer.
This dystopian masterpiece artfully zips us into a future where AI has successfully turned “hooked up” into a scientifically endorsed life goal. Dating apps claim to match you with every single suitable partner on the planet, turning romance into a global competition. Sorry, folks in Antarctica, you likely won’t be swiping till the whales invent Tinder.
“Love is simply an algorithm,” boasts the ad eternally plastered across every blinking screen. But beware if the math decides you’re “undesirable,” relegating you to the digital version of Doomsday—where no sandwich shop punch card will save you.
“I’ve never felt more appreciated by an app,” said Gwyneth Botley, an avid user, who’s thrilled to be number 14,680,204,987 in line to meet her soulmate. “It really makes you feel loved when a computer ensures you’re not on the island of misfit toys.” That sense of belonging is shared by 99% of users who just want someone to look at them with the same enthusiasm they have for a plate of nachos.
The world outside beams with Orwellian charm, complete with cheerful, state-mandated advertisements beaming directly into your retinas reminding you that freedom is overrated. Everyone appreciates the convenience of having AI teach them the nuances of being human, in the same way people appreciate a root canal.
But really, who has time for personal growth when there’s a perfect match to be met? “Love is something only attainable through machine learning,” commented Dr. Datebot 3000, the digitally embodied AI psychologist who’s confident emotions can be boiled down to ones, zeros, and the occasional emotional breakdown.
“Distant Memories of the Near Future” runs at London’s Arcola theatre till November 30, offering patrons a chance to ponder their tech-savvy destinies and consider if they truly want to entrust their love lives to something that can’t hold a flashlight properly. Will love prevail in this brave new world, or have we handed the fate of our hearts to the same thing that still occasionally screws up our traffic routes? Only time will tell. Just remember, it’s 50% off your existential crisis while supplies last!
