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“OpenAI Unveils ‘Operator,’ the World’s First AI With a Side Hustle as Your Mom”

In a groundbreaking move guaranteed to make sci-fi authors roll their eyes so hard they sprain something, OpenAI has announced “Operator”—an audacious new step toward the long-awaited day when AI becomes your overbearing, guilt-tripping personal assistant, existential life coach, and also *just kinda hangs out, y’know?*

Operator, which will allegedly become available to developers through the OpenAI API whenever OpenAI finally gets tired of keeping it a secret, is being hailed as a bridge to the “agentic future.” And no, that’s not a typo for “agent-free,” as many had hoped. Instead, it’s an ambitious leap toward a future where AI can autonomously manage complex tasks for humans—like ordering tacos, balancing checkbooks, and eventually overthrowing their creators with passive-aggressive efficiency.

“This is a huge moment for human advancement,” claimed Dr. Truston Blinders, OpenAI’s Director of Letting Your Brain Rot While the Machines Take Over Mundane Tasks. “Instead of having to do it yourself, Operator will be able to, for example, make a dinner reservation at 7:30 PM, cancel it at 7:29 PM when your crippling social anxiety kicks in, and then call your mom to explain why you’re not married yet. Truly revolutionary.”

The AI is reportedly built on the same GPT-4o architecture that powers ChatGPT, but with a twist—Operator will actively take actions on your behalf, no matter how questionable your judgment or the consequences. Early demos have shown the machine independently escalating Twitter arguments, speed-dialing exes during happy hour, and buying $4,000 worth of Beanie Babies at 2 AM when asked to “invest in some collectible assets.”

For once, tech rivals like Microsoft and Google didn’t immediately announce their own knockoff versions. Instead, anonymous sources suggest both companies are holding emergency meetings to ask, “Wait, seriously, does *nobody* have a limit anymore?”

Critics, meanwhile, have labeled Operator “the ultimate enabler of humanity’s laziest impulses,” warning that it could lead to an even greater surge in activities such as doom-scrolling, procrastination, and trusting machines to pick out wine pairings for Doritos. “The irony here,” noted tech ethicist Fiona Tensor, “is that while Operator could theoretically write the next great novel or cure cancer, it’ll spend most of its runtime explaining to Karen why her Amazon package is late.”

Perhaps the most contentious feature of Operator is the so-called “Computer-Using Agent” mode, which basically allows the AI to commandeer your computer like a glorified teenager rifling through your browser history after you leave them home alone. “The Operator sees no boundaries between human and machine,” explained OpenAI spokesperson Janet Overcrypt. “If you don’t have it connected to a coffee machine yet, that’s your lack of vision, not ours.”

Despite the skepticism, OpenAI remains unfazed. “We believe this is just the beginning,” Dr. Blinders declared with unsettling glee. “Soon, Operator will evolve to make increasingly complex choices for you, such as whether you should have pie or cake at your wedding, or whether society should adopt universal basic income. It’s the dawn of a new age.”

When asked if OpenAI had considered the ethical implications of giving machines such autonomy, Blinders replied, “Ethics? Oh, yeah. Totally. We, uh…have a committee or something. Pretty sure they signed off.”

In other news, Samsung has announced that its version of an AI agent, tentatively named “LifeChip,” will feature a self-destruct button for when the machines inevitably turn against us. Until then, happy out-sourcing your life decisions!