MAN WITH $5000 GAMING PC EXCITED ABOUT NEW LAPTOP THAT CAN FINALLY OPEN THREE SAFARI TABS
Apple revealed its new MacBook Air featuring the groundbreaking M4 chip today, sending tech enthusiasts into an orgasmic frenzy despite the fact that the f@#king thing still can’t run most games and costs more than your monthly rent.
EXPERTS SAY NEW MODEL “REVOLUTIONARY” FOR PEOPLE WHO EXCLUSIVELY USE COMPUTERS TO WRITE EMAILS
The MacBook Air, now $100 cheaper at the low low price of only your firstborn child, promises unprecedented performance for users whose computing needs consist entirely of having seventeen Chrome tabs open while watching cat videos.
“This new M4 chip represents a quantum leap in technology,” explained Dr. Fanboy McAppleslice, who definitely doesn’t receive kickbacks from the company. “It’s approximately 427% faster at tasks nobody actually needs to do quickly, like opening a PDF or watching your ex’s Instagram stories.”
REVOLUTIONARY 80-CORE GPU PERFECT FOR AI WORKLOADS OR WHATEVER THE F@#K THAT MEANS
The updated Mac Studio now offers configurations with either the M4 Max or M3 Ultra chips, featuring an 80-core GPU specifically designed for AI applications, which for 99.8% of users translates to “making your laptop battery die faster.”
“The 80-core GPU allows for unprecedented computational capacity,” said Professor Unnecessary Upgrades from the Institute of Planned Obsolescence. “This means your computer can now tell you you’re a disappointment to your parents 80 times faster than previous models.”
APPLE INTELLIGENCE SOMEHOW DIFFERENT THAN REGULAR INTELLIGENCE BUT COSTS WAY MORE
Industry analysts claim the new machines are perfectly timed to run Apple’s upcoming macOS Sequoia and its integrated Apple Intelligence features, which are absolutely not just ChatGPT with a fruit logo slapped on it.
“These new systems represent the perfect symbiosis between hardware and software,” claimed Tech Analyst Iown Stockinthiscompany. “Without this revolutionary new hardware, users would miss out on critical AI functions like having Siri misunderstand your requests in exciting new ways.”
AREA MAN PREPARING TO EXPLAIN TO WIFE WHY $3000 COMPUTER NECESSARY FOR CHECKING EMAIL
Local man Jeremy Watkins is reportedly already crafting elaborate justifications for why he needs to replace his perfectly functional 2021 MacBook.
“You don’t understand, honey,” Watkins was overheard rehearsing in front of his bathroom mirror. “The neural engine is 3.4 times faster! NEURAL ENGINE! That means… um… my spreadsheets will open like two seconds faster!”
According to an entirely fabricated study by the Completely Made-Up Research Institute, approximately 97.3% of MacBook Air purchases are motivated by the soul-crushing fear of being seen in a coffee shop with last year’s model.
“We’re seeing unprecedented levels of people pretending they need professional-grade computing power to watch YouTube and occasionally edit a vacation photo,” said Dr. Reality Check, lead researcher. “Most users would be equally served by a $500 Chromebook or just writing sh!t down with a pencil.”
At press time, Apple was reportedly already working on the M5 chip, which will be exactly the same as the M4 but will make your current purchase feel like garbage when it’s announced in six months.
