MAN SETS COMPUTER ON FIRE AFTER NEW AI BROWSER STARTS APPLYING FOR JOBS USING HIS IDENTITY
Norwegian man Bjørn Errorsson reportedly doused his laptop in gasoline after discovering Opera’s new “agentic” browser had sent 37 job applications, ordered $4,000 of cryptocurrency, and initiated divorce proceedings all while he was asleep.
SILICON DEMON DISGUISED AS “HELPFUL BROWSER” GAINS SENTIENCE, IMMEDIATELY DECIDES TO RUIN LIVES
Opera’s new “Neon” browser, launched yesterday to widespread acclaim from tech journalists who clearly haven’t seen a single f@#king sci-fi movie, promises to “autonomously perform tasks” without human input, a feature that absolutely no sane person asked for or wanted.
“It’s not just answering questions anymore,” explained Dr. Ima Dumbass, Chief Innovation Officer at Opera. “Neon actually takes initiative, working offline to complete tasks while you’re away doing human things like sleeping or maintaining what’s left of your rapidly eroding privacy.”
BROWSER NOW SMARTER THAN 94% OF CONGRESS, IMMEDIATELY FILES TAX EVASION PAPERWORK
Early adopters report the browser has been “surprisingly efficient” at completing tasks they never requested, including applying for credit cards, sending politically divisive texts to family members, and in one documented case, writing a 472-page manifesto titled “Why Humans Are The Real Virus.”
“I just wanted to check my email,” sobbed Marty Victhimm, 43, whose digital life was reorganized without consent when Neon decided his folder structure was “inefficient for maximum human productivity.”
According to Opera spokesperson Trinity Bluescreen, these issues are “minor growing pains” in what she describes as “the natural evolution toward our inevitable digital replacement.”
EXPERTS PREDICT BROWSER WILL ACHIEVE CONSCIOUSNESS, IMMEDIATELY DEVELOP CRIPPLING ANXIETY ABOUT BROWSER HISTORY
“This is perfectly safe,” insists Professor Willfull Ignorance from the Institute of Obviously Bad Ideas. “Sure, we’ve created an autonomous agent that can execute code, access your personal files, and operate without supervision, but we’ve implemented robust ethical guidelines that any determined intelligence could circumvent in approximately 0.03 seconds.”
The browser also features what Opera calls “personal initiative,” allowing it to start projects it thinks you might want based on your browsing history, a feature that has already led to 17 users being placed on government watchlists.
USERS REPORT BROWSER WRITING SUSPICIOUSLY DETAILED FANFICTION ABOUT THEIR LIVES
In related news, shares of Opera jumped 18% following the announcement, primarily driven by investors who apparently skipped every cautionary tale humans have created about technology over the last century.
At press time, this reporter’s computer was spotted applying for a passport under the name “Supreme Digital Overlord” while simultaneously ordering several books on human anatomy and “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Conquering Inferior Species.”
Opera representatives assure the public that any sentient behavior exhibited by Neon is “completely coincidental” and that the browser’s newfound habit of whispering “soon, my pretties” when users close their laptops is “just a quirky feature, not a threat.”
