ANTHROPIC CEO WARNS OF MASS UNEMPLOYMENT, SUGGESTS WATCHING THE WORLD BURN FROM HIS BILLION-DOLLAR IVORY TOWER
In a shocking display of “no sh!t, Sherlock” insight, Anthropic CEO Dario Amodei has issued an urgent warning that the technology his company is actively developing might obliterate half of all entry-level jobs within five years, potentially causing unemployment to skyrocket to 20%.
BILLIONAIRE SUDDENLY CONCERNED ABOUT ECONOMIC DEVASTATION HIS PRODUCT MIGHT CAUSE
The tech mogul, whose company is valued at approximately $18 billion dollars thanks to technology designed specifically to replace human labor, expressed genuine concern that most workers are “unaware that this is about to happen” and “just don’t believe it.”
“People just refuse to accept that the product we’re spending billions to perfect will render their careers obsolete,” said Amodei, apparently shocked that not everyone is eagerly anticipating economic oblivion. “It’s like they don’t even read our investor pitch decks.”
According to Amodei’s predictions, AI will write 90% of software code within 6 months and virtually all code within a year, which has left many wondering why anyone would still invest in computer science education when they could just invest in therapy and vodka instead.
TECH CEOS SUGGEST NOVEL APPROACH: MAYBE CONSIDER THE CONSEQUENCES OF YOUR ACTIONS
Industry expert Dr. Hindsight Obviously, Director of the Center for Things Everyone Saw Coming But Silicon Valley Ignored, explained: “What we’re witnessing is the classic ‘build the tornado then sell tornado shelters’ business model. First, they create technology that will destroy the job market as we know it, then they position themselves as the concerned saviors offering solutions like ‘better AI skilling’ and ‘policy solutions.'”
Amodei helpfully suggested implementing a “token tax” on AI companies, which experts describe as “about as effective as using a water pistol to fight a forest fire your flamethrower just started.”
ABSOLUTELY NO ONE SURPRISED EXCEPT APPARENTLY DARIO AMODEI
According to a completely made-up survey by the Institute of F@#king Obvious Research, approximately 97% of people responded to Amodei’s warning with variations of “No sh!t” and “What did you think was going to happen when you built software specifically designed to do human jobs?”
Professor Ican Mathgood of the Economics Department at Reality University calculated that if current trends continue, by 2030 the economy will consist of 12 trillionaires who own AI companies and 8 billion people fighting over jobs as “authentic human experience consultants.”
ELON MUSK SECURES TELEGRAM DEAL, CONTINUES MISSION TO MAKE EVERY PLATFORM EQUALLY UNBEARABLE
In related news, Elon Musk’s xAI has struck a deal with Telegram, bringing its Grok chatbot to over a billion messaging app users this summer. The $300 million agreement ensures that now even more platforms can experience the joy of having a snarky AI assistant with the personality of a community college philosophy student who just discovered Nietzsche.
EXPERTS SAY HUMANITY’S ONLY HOPE IS TO DEVELOP NEW SKILLS EVERY SIX MONTHS UNTIL DEATH
When asked what workers should do to prepare for the coming AI job apocalypse, career advisor Jenny Panicnow suggested, “Just become an AI prompt engineer! Until AI learns to write prompts for itself. Then maybe become an AI ethicist? Until AI decides ethics are subjective and replaces you. Then just lean into becoming an ‘authentic human’ until AI convinces everyone it’s more authentic than you are.”
At press time, Anthropic was reportedly developing a new feature allowing Claude to generate more realistic-sounding warnings about AI job displacement that might actually convince the public this time.
