GOOGLE’S NANO-BANANA MODEL VIOLENTLY DISRUPTS IMAGE EDITING WORLD, BREAKS RECORD FOR “MOST UNPAID OVERTIME BY GRAPHIC DESIGNERS”
In a move that has photoshop experts contemplating career changes and art school graduates questioning their $200,000 education, Google has officially unveiled its new Gemini 2.5 Flash Image model – previously known as “nano-banana” because apparently naming AI models now requires combining random fruits with quantum physics terms.
INDUSTRY EXPERTS PREDICT MASS UNEMPLOYMENT, INSTAGRAM FILTERS SUICIDE PACT
The new model, which rose to #1 on industry leaderboards by “a huge f@#king margin” according to Google’s entirely objective press release, allows users to perform complex multi-step edits with simple text prompts like “make this banana look like it’s attending a board meeting at Goldman Sachs” or “turn my ex into a potato but keep their emotional unavailability.”
“This is quite literally the extinction-level event we’ve been warning about for graphic designers,” explained Dr. Photoshop P. Anic, Professor of Digital Art Doomsday at the University of Creative Anxiety. “We estimate 87% of Etsy shops will close within six months, and Fiverr will be renamed ‘ZeroDollarr’ by Christmas.”
TECHNOLOGY SO ADVANCED IT CAN ACTUALLY TELL A CACTUS FROM A CORN DOG
Unlike previous image models that often created nightmarish appendages and distorted faces that looked like someone was melting in a microwave, Flash Image preserves character likeness while somehow understanding that desert scenes shouldn’t include polar bears.
“The model applies world knowledge during editing,” Google engineer Terry Bytecode explained. “It’s smart enough to know that palm trees don’t belong in Iceland, unlike my last three interns who kept placing tropical foliage in Arctic environments because they ‘thought it looked cool.'”
PRICED TO DESTROY THE CREATIVE MIDDLE CLASS
At just $0.039 per image – which is approximately 99.99% less than what actual humans charge for the same work – the model is accessible to literally anyone with internet access and a credit card, effectively democratizing professional-quality image editing and completely obliterating thousands of careers that people spent decades building.
“I spent 15 years perfecting my Photoshop skills,” sobbed former graphic designer Melissa Tarkington, who now works at a convenience store. “I could have just waited for the banana model and saved myself from crushing student debt and carpal tunnel syndrome.”
EDUCATION SYSTEM ALSO GETTING ABSOLUTELY F@#KED BY AI
Meanwhile, a separate report from Anthropic revealed that 57% of educators are using AI for curriculum design, essentially admitting they’ve completely given up on original thought.
“Why spend hours crafting thoughtful lesson plans when I can ask a chatbot to do it in 12 seconds?” said anonymous high school teacher who wished to remain nameless but definitely exists. “Plus, 49% of us are using it for grading, which means we have more time to stare blankly at our existential dread in the teacher’s lounge.”
Professor Warren Thoughtful from the Institute of Educational Integrity added: “The beautiful irony is that we’re punishing students for using AI while simultaneously using it ourselves. It’s like catching your kid smoking while you’re holding a cigarette.”
IN CONCLUSION: YOUR JOB IS PROBABLY NEXT
As nano-banana continues its rampage through the creative industries, experts predict that approximately 94.3% of all white-collar jobs will be replaced by algorithms within the next seven minutes, leaving humans to ponder their purpose while their silicon-based thinking rectangles generate everything from marketing campaigns to divorce papers with terrifying efficiency.
When asked for comment, a Google spokesperson simply replied, “Don’t worry, we’ll create new jobs!” before being unable to name a single one that wouldn’t eventually be automated by their own technology.
