TECH GIANT’S NEW AI SECURITY MEASURES JUST GLORIFIED MAGIC 8-BALL WITH ELECTRICITY BILL
Microsoft Detects 30 Billion Phishing Attempts, Responds By Creating AI That Will Definitely Never Be Hacked Ever, Trust Us
REDMOND, WASHINGTON — After identifying a staggering 30 billion phishing attempts, Microsoft announced today it’s combating this digital pandemic by adding “even more AI” to its Security Copilot, essentially fighting fire with a flamethrower made of code and wishful thinking.
WHAT THE F@#K IS AI SECURITY ANYWAY?
Microsoft’s new security strategy involves partnering with several firms whose names sound impressive in boardroom presentations to launch what they’re calling “revolutionary AI security tools.” These tools promise to detect threats with the same accuracy as your paranoid uncle who thinks the government is listening through his microwave.
“Our new AI security measures can analyze breaches, detect threats, and protect other AI models across cloud platforms,” explained Microsoft CTO Devin McComputerson. “It’s basically like having a mall cop who can process information at the speed of light but still manages to be looking the wrong way when something actually happens.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN, NOBODY UNDERSTANDS WHAT THEY’RE SAYING
Dr. Ima Skeptical, head of the Institute for Stating the Obvious, expressed concerns about the approach. “They detected 30 billion phishing attempts and thought, ‘You know what would fix this? More computers.’ That’s like noticing your boat has 30 billion holes and deciding to add more water.”
According to completely made-up statistics from our research department, 78% of AI security solutions are just regular security solutions with the letters “AI” slapped on them and a 400% markup.
Professor Hack McHackerson from the University of Technical Gibberish added, “Microsoft’s approach is revolutionary in the same way that putting a Ferrari logo on your Toyota makes it go faster. It doesn’t, but the meetings about it sure are exciting.”
CONSUMERS REMAIN BLISSFULLY UNAWARE
Regular users remain largely oblivious to the change, continuing to use “password123” while Microsoft builds the digital equivalent of Fort Knox around accounts that have already been compromised seventeen times.
Local man Terry Clickerson admitted, “I don’t know what AI security means, but it sounds impressive, so I assume my nudes are safe now.”
Microsoft claims their enhanced silicon-based security rectangle can process 8.2 gazillion threat signals per microsecond, which sounds impressive until you realize most hackers just call customer service pretending to be you and get your password reset anyway.
FINANCIAL IMPLICATIONS THAT WILL SHOCK ABSOLUTELY NO ONE
The company’s stock price jumped 7% on news of the announcement, proving once again that throwing the term “AI” into any press release is the financial equivalent of printing money.
Microsoft CFO Cash Moneybags reportedly told shareholders, “We’re spending billions on this sh!t because if we don’t mention AI in every product announcement, people think we’re dying like Blockbuster.”
Industry analysts predict the new security measures will prevent up to 42% of threats, leaving only the other 58% to keep security professionals employed and Microsoft’s update cycle running in perpetuity.
In a related development, 96% of users surveyed admitted they’ll continue clicking on obvious scam links regardless of whatever the hell Microsoft is doing with its fancy computer thinking boxes.
