AIRPORT SCANNERS EVOLVE FROM CHECKING YOUR BAGS TO CHECKING YOUR F@#KING BRAIN FANTASIES
In a groundbreaking display of “just because we can doesn’t mean we should” technology, government officials have begun arresting travelers whose thoughts don’t align with preferred mental boarding procedures, sources confirmed yesterday.
WELCOME TO LOS ANGELES, YOUR THOUGHTS HAVE BEEN DELAYED
Local museum archivist Sara Hussein found herself detained at LAX after an AI security system named “Scout” determined her brain contained “suspicious cognitive activity,” despite Hussein’s only crime being a mild disagreement with her husband about a Volvo purchase.
“We’ve developed advanced technology that can detect potential criminals before they commit crimes,” explained Dr. Obvious Overreach, Chief of Preventative Justice. “Our success rate is a stunning 2.3%, which is technically better than just throwing darts at passengers while blindfolded.”
RETENTION CENTERS: JUST LIKE ELEMENTARY SCHOOL BUT WITH MORE CAVITY SEARCHES
Hussein was transferred to Madison, a women’s retention facility in a former elementary school, where guards now teach important lessons like “How to Lower Your Risk Score by Complimenting My New Haircut 101” and “Advanced Groveling for Beginners.”
“It’s quite efficient,” boasted Warden Richard “Dick” Tater. “The average American commits 3.7 thought crimes per hour, mostly during their commute or while listening to their mother-in-law explain her new diet. We’re simply being proactive.”
SCIENCE PROVES YOUR BRAIN IS BASICALLY A CRIMINAL WITH LEGS
According to research by Professor Madeup Statistic from the Institute of Convenient Studies, 97.6% of all humans have thoughts that would qualify them for immediate detention under current guidelines.
“Just this morning I imagined pushing someone into traffic because they walked too slowly,” admitted the professor. “That’s approximately 45 years in retention under current guidelines, or longer if the guard doesn’t like your face.”
GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS INSIST THIS IS TOTALLY NORMAL AND NOT AT ALL DYSTOPIAN
“This is just like that Tom Cruise movie,” explained Technology Secretary Hal Orwell. “You know, the one where they arrest people before they commit crimes and everything works out perfectly with zero ethical concerns? I think it was called ‘Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol.'”
When reminded the film was actually “Minority Report” and ended with the system being dismantled due to corruption, Orwell abruptly ended the interview.
TOYOTA VERSUS VOLVO: THE MARITAL ARGUMENT THAT LAUNCHED A THOUSAND DETENTIONS
Hussein’s husband Elias expressed shock at his wife’s detention, stating, “I just wanted better safety features. If I had known Scout would interpret our argument as ‘potential for violent overthrow of government,’ I would’ve just kept the f@#king Toyota.”
The couple’s twins have reportedly begun screening their bedtime thoughts for dangerous content, with their 6-year-old daughter recently turning herself in for imagining her broccoli was poisoned.
As America transitions to this exciting new era of Precognitive Justice™, citizens are advised to maintain only government-approved thoughts such as “I love standing in TSA lines” and “That new tax seems reasonable.” For those who can’t control their mental rebellion, experts recommend thinking about bread recipes during security screenings or, as a last resort, just having their consciousness uploaded to the cloud where the judgment is allegedly “more fair.”
At press time, Scout had reportedly flagged this entire article and everyone who read it for immediate detention, citing “dangerous exposure to actual critical thinking” as the primary threat to national security.
