MATHEMATICS STILL REQUIRED DESPITE AI OVERLORDS, DECLARES MAN WHO TEACHES MATHEMATICS
Shocking Report: Mathematics Professors Insist Their Jobs Still Relevant As AI Threatens to Make Thinking Obsolete
DESPERATE ACADEMICS CLUTCH PEARLS AS CHATGPT THREATENS TO DO THEIR JOBS FOR THEM
In a f@#king STUNNING display of self-preservation, MIT Professor Devavrat Shah has boldly declared that despite fancy-pants AI doing literally everything for us, humans should still learn math. The absolutely unexpected position from someone who gets paid to teach math has sent shockwaves through the “No Sh!t, Sherlock” community.
“As large language models and generative AI meet new applications, humans need to understand the underlying concepts,” stated Shah, whose mortgage payments depend entirely on this continuing to be true.
PERUVIAN STUDENTS TRICKED INTO LEARNING CALCULUS UNDER GUISE OF “FUTURE PREPARATION”
The MIT Institute for Data, Systems, and Society (IDSS) has successfully convinced over 1,000 people worldwide to voluntarily subject themselves to statistics courses, an achievement previously thought impossible outside of torture scenarios.
“We’re providing graduate-level data science education through BREIT in Peru,” explained Fotini Christia, who refused to disclose how many Peruvians had to be sedated before agreeing to take probability theory.
Dr. Hugh Jassle, Head of Educational Psychology at Making Sh!t Up University, commented: “The psychological manipulation required to make adults willingly study calculus is honestly impressive. It’s like convincing people to pay for being waterboarded because it might help their career.”
STATISTICS SHOW 100% OF PEOPLE WHO STUDY STATISTICS THINK STATISTICS ARE IMPORTANT
According to completely objective research conducted by statisticians, studying statistics is “super duper important” and “definitely not being made obsolete by algorithms that can do this sh!t in microseconds.”
The MicroMasters program, which sounds suspiciously like what you’d call a villain’s henchmen in a low-budget sci-fi movie, has apparently trained nearly 100 Peruvians with 90 more “in the pipeline” – terminology that doesn’t at all suggest these people are being processed like crude oil.
LOCAL MAN NOW ABLE TO DO WHAT EXCEL HAS DONE SINCE 1985
“I knew that artificial intelligence, machine learning, and data science was the future, and I wanted to be in that wave,” explained BREIT learner Renato Castro, who spent thousands of hours learning to perform tasks that three different smartphone apps can do instantly.
Professor Iam Delusional of the Institute for Keeping Humans Unnecessarily Busy explains: “It’s vital we convince everyone they need to understand the math behind algorithms, or else they might realize the terrifying truth: 97.3% of what we’re teaching will be completely automated within five years.”
DESPERATE STUDENTS APPLY ADVANCED MATHEMATICS TO SOLVE CRUCIAL QUESTION OF WHY STUDENTS QUIT STUDYING
In an absolutely essential application of cutting-edge data science, student Diego Trujillo Chappa used his advanced training to discover the groundbreaking insight that students with less money and worse reading skills are more likely to drop out of graduate programs.
“Our methodology helped the NGO identify more possible applicants,” Trujillo proudly stated, apparently unaware that “students who can read good and have money” has been the target demographic for universities since the 12th century.
MIT FACULTY ABSOLUTELY SHOCKED THAT STUDENTS ENJOY VISITING ACTUAL CAMPUS INSTEAD OF STARING AT COMPUTER FOR 18 HOURS STRAIGHT
“I feel so in love with this history that you have,” said student Yajaira Huerta during a campus visit, clearly suffering from Stockholm syndrome after months of forced calculus instruction.
The article fails to mention that 78% of MicroMasters graduates immediately asked ChatGPT to do their work for them upon receiving their credentials, while maintaining the elaborate charade that they understand eigenvalues and Bayesian inference during work meetings.
Upon completion of the program, graduates are qualified to nod knowingly when executives mention “big data” and can confidently say “we should A/B test that” in meetings where they previously sat in silence.
As AI continues its unstoppable march toward making human cognition optional, MIT promises to find increasingly convoluted reasons why everyone should still learn to calculate standard deviations by hand. Because if there’s one thing that’s truly future-proof, it’s forcing people to perform calculations that computers have mastered since the 1970s.
