# JOB SEEKERS NOW LYING ON CVs AT UNPRECEDENTED RATE, EXPERTS SAY 93% OF APPLICANTS ARE “FULL OF SH!T”
UNEMPLOYED FANTASISTS CREATE ALTERNATE REALITY ON PAPER
In a startling revelation that has rocked the employment world, studies show that an astounding percentage of job seekers are turning their CVs into creative writing exercises, with fabrications so common that actual qualifications have become the true unicorns of the hiring process.
“It’s f@#king everywhere,” says Ronald Truthseeker, Head of Reality Checking at NoMoreBullsh!t Recruitment. “People aren’t just embellishing anymore, they’re creating entire fictional universes where they’re competent professionals.”
TAEKWONDO BLACK BELTS AND OTHER FAIRY TALES
The trend reached peak absurdity when one candidate claimed to hold a second-dan black belt in taekwondo, apparently unaware that his interviewer could break his theoretical credentials in half with actual skill.
“The interview collapsed faster than the candidate’s imaginary martial arts career,” said Matt Collingwood, who witnessed the carnage firsthand. “Fifteen minutes of pure, unfiltered awkwardness that felt like watching someone try to explain why they’d listed ‘breathing underwater’ as a special skill.”
STATISTICS SHOW LYING IS MORE POPULAR THAN NETFLIX
According to a completely legitimate study we just made up, approximately 87% of candidates believe that fabricating employment dates is just “calendar creativity,” while 72% consider invented job titles to be “aspirational labeling.”
Dr. Ima Phony, Professor of Fraudulent Studies at the University of Making Sh!t Up, explains: “Today’s job market requires imagination. Can’t code? Just say you built Facebook’s algorithm! Never managed anyone? Simply invent subordinates! The employment ecosystem now functions on a ‘fake it until you somehow don’t get caught’ principle.”
PRIVATE SCHOOL CLAIMS END IN PUBLIC HUMILIATION
In another incident that career counselors are calling “catastrophically stupid,” a candidate claimed to have attended the same prestigious private school as his interviewer.
“This genius couldn’t even name where the sports field was,” reported an insider. “He had better odds of correctly guessing nuclear launch codes than surviving that interview.”
Career advisor Lydia Blatant suggests this approach is gaining popularity: “Why stop at education? We’re now seeing candidates who claim to have been astronauts, Nobel Prize winners, and in one particularly ambitious case, ‘Time’s Person of the Year 2006,’ apparently unaware that was literally EVERYONE WITH AN INTERNET CONNECTION.”
EMPLOYERS FIGHT BACK WITH RADICAL “CHECKING REFERENCES” STRATEGY
Companies are now employing controversial tactics like “actually verifying information” and “asking basic follow-up questions” to combat the epidemic of fabrication.
“It’s completely revolutionized our hiring process,” says HR director Veronica Obvious. “Turns out when you ask people to demonstrate the skills they claim to have, about 60% just start crying.”
EXPERTS RECOMMEND MORE BELIEVABLE LIES
“If you’re going to lie, at least make it plausible,” advises Frank Honestman, author of “Bulls#!tting Your Way To The Middle.” “Don’t claim you were CEO of Google if you can’t explain what a search engine is. Start smaller. Maybe say you were punctual at your last job or that you actually read the employee handbook.”
As the job market continues to evolve, industry experts predict that by 2026, approximately 98% of all CVs will be indistinguishable from rejected Marvel movie scripts, complete with superhuman abilities and crossover episodes with previous employers that never actually happened.
“Next time you’re tempted to lie on your CV,” concludes Honestman, “remember: the person interviewing you might actually know taekwondo, and they’re just waiting for their chance to metaphorically kick your fictional credentials right in the résumé.”
