Lance Armstrong Impresses World by Ditching Cycling for Grizzly Bear Marathon: “The Tour de Fur”
In a groundbreaking, pedal-to-paw career pivot that nobody asked for, disgraced cyclist Lance Armstrong has been spotted pursuing the ultimate adrenaline rush: sprinting after an entirely uninterested grizzly bear through the wildernesses of North America. Leaked images posted by an astounded onlooker reveal Lance donning his old cycling attire, albeit mixed with a touch of bear repellent—ready to make a name in what experts are now mockingly dubbing the “Tour de Fur.”
“It was like watching Picasso decide to take up competitive tree climbing,” said wildlife photographer and accidental race marshal, Bob “The Bear Whisperer” Henderson. “One minute the bear was enjoying his salmon brunch, and the next he’s being chased by a guy who should be riding a ten-speed, caught in an existential crisis.”
Sources close to Armstrong claim that the former seven-time Tour de France champion, who lost his titles due to doping scandals, is determined to prove that his racing prowess can still dominate—provided he’s competing against unsuspecting wildlife with zero interest in the sport.
When reached for comment about his training regime, Armstrong reportedly stated, “I’ve traded in my old motto, ‘pain is temporary, quitting lasts forever,’ for ‘if the bear catches me, I guess I’m the salmon now.’ It really adds a new level of urgency to my sprints.”
Animal rights activists are divided, with some praising Armstrong for providing unexpected cardio for the otherwise lazy bear, while others question the ethics of turning nature into a makeshift velodrome. “It’s all fun and games until the bear decides he’s better at cycling himself,” quipped Sasha McLarson, head of the Society for the Ethical Treatment of Confused Bears (SETCB).
Despite these concerns, Armstrong remains undeterred. Rumors swirl that he’s considering turning his newest venture into a reality TV show, tentatively titled “Armstrong and the Grizzlies: A Race for Relevance.” In this series, human competitors will challenge local wildlife in races across various extreme terrains, from dolphin speed-swimming contests to armadillo endurance rollings.
“Frankly, if the bear accepted performance-enhancing fish, Lance might be in real trouble,” joked a commentator on the recently viral images. Until such a test is imposed, Armstrong’s place at the forefront of this novel athletic arena remains unchallenged, one absurd bear chase at a time.
