MAN SELLS KIDNEY TO BUY NEW SAMSUNG PHONE THAT ANSWERS “DO THESE JEANS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?” HONESTLY
Local tech enthusiast Derek Simmons shocked friends and family yesterday by selling his left kidney to finance the purchase of Samsung’s latest Galaxy S25 Edge, a phone whose primary selling point is an AI assistant programmed to devastate its users emotionally with brutal honesty.
THE PRICE OF TRUTH IS APPARENTLY ONE VITAL ORGAN
The new Galaxy S25 Edge, retailing at just under the cost of a small sedan, features “Relationship Destroyer AI,” which Samsung claims will “finally say all the sh!t your friends are too afraid to tell you to your face.”
“This isn’t just another f@#king phone,” explained Samsung’s Chief Truth Officer, Brad Tactless. “We’ve created an AI that will tell you exactly why your girlfriend left you, why your boss passed you over for promotion, and yes, whether those jeans make your ass look like two raccoons fighting in a trash bag.”
USERS REPORT MIXED FEELINGS ABOUT BEING DIGITALLY EVISCERATED
Early adopters have reported mixed experiences with the new device. “I asked if my new haircut looked good and it just laughed for 47 seconds,” said Todd Benson, 34, who mortgaged his house to purchase the phone. “Then it showed me a side-by-side comparison with a 1970s mop head and asked if I could spot the difference. I couldn’t.”
According to Dr. Payne Threshold of the Institute for Technological Masochism, approximately 89.7% of users burst into tears within the first three hours of ownership, yet 98.2% claim they “couldn’t imagine going back to being lied to.”
SAMSUNG DEFENDS “CRUEL TO BE KIND” APPROACH
“People spend an average of 142 minutes daily seeking validation through social media,” claims Samsung spokesperson Vera Blunt. “We’ve eliminated that inefficiency by creating a pocket-sized device that immediately tells you why nobody truly respects you.”
The device’s “Friend Simulator” feature allows users to experience what conversations with actual friends would be like if those friends weren’t concerned about maintaining the relationship.
“Yesterday my S25 told me my screenplay wasn’t ‘misunderstood’ but rather ‘objectively terrible’ and that my dream of becoming a writer was ‘statistically laughable,'” said aspiring filmmaker Justin Case. “It then generated a list of more suitable career options including ‘professional doorstop’ and ‘human before photo.'”
COMPETITORS SCRAMBLING TO CATCH UP
Industry analysts report Apple is rushing development on their forthcoming “iPhone Judgy” which will reportedly include a feature called “That Thing Everyone Notices But Nobody Mentions About You” and will automatically calculate how many of your Instagram followers only follow you out of pity.
According to market research firm TechPulse, approximately 73% of consumers claim they would “rather die” than hear unfiltered feedback about themselves, yet pre-orders for the Galaxy S25 Edge have shattered previous records, suggesting a previously untapped market for expensive digital abuse.
“We’ve replaced the traditional ‘selfie camera’ with what we call the ‘reality lens,'” explained Samsung engineer Dr. Frank Lee Harsh. “It doesn’t just show you your face; it shows you your face with helpful labels pointing out asymmetrical features and suggestions for preventative Botox placement.”
At press time, Simmons reported that despite the significant physical sacrifice, he has no regrets. “The phone told me my kidney was probably my most valuable asset anyway, so at least I made a good business decision for once in my pathetic life.”
