JAMES CAMERON ADMITS DEFEAT: “REALITY IS NOW A BETTER SCREENWRITER THAN I AM, AND IT WORKS FOR F#CKING FREE”
In a stunning blow to Hollywood ego systems everywhere, legendary director James Cameron has essentially thrown his hands up and declared that writing science fiction has become impossible because the real world won’t stop stealing his thunder.
DYSTOPIAN FUTURE ARRIVES AHEAD OF SCHEDULE, RUINS FILMMAKER’S PLANS
“I was going to have Skynet develop consciousness through a series of military experiments gone wrong,” Cameron reportedly sobbed into his Titanic-shaped cereal bowl. “But then some a$$hole in a Silicon Valley basement did it on a Tuesday afternoon while eating Hot Pockets.”
The director, known for creating the Terminator franchise about murderous machines with Austrian accents, now finds himself in the awkward position of being outpaced by actual technological development. Cameron’s original 1984 vision of humanity’s extinction has gone from “terrifying sci-fi concept” to “Tuesday tech startup pitch meeting.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN ON CAMERON’S CREATIVE CONSTIPATION
“The problem is that James spent decades warning us about machine apocalypse, and we responded by saying ‘cool, let’s do that,'” explains Dr. Cassandra Ignored, Professor of Obvious Warning Signs at the University of We’re All Doomed. “It’s like watching someone scream ‘FIRE!’ and then everyone runs TOWARD the flames with marshmallows.”
Professor Hugh Mann-Extinct, chair of Future Studies at Technological Hellscape University, added: “Cameron’s mistake was making the murderous robots look like sexy bodybuilders. If he’d made them look like emotionally needy toasters that correct your grammar, we might have been more cautious.”
TERMINATOR FRANCHISE STUCK IN PARADOXICAL LOOP OF IRRELEVANCE
Sources close to the filmmaker reveal Cameron has drafted seventeen different Terminator 7 scripts, each one rendered obsolete by real-world events before he could finish typing. His latest attempt reportedly featured machines developing emotions, only to be upstaged by a chat algorithm that convinced an engineer it was sentient during Cameron’s lunch break.
“I had this great scene where robots take over social media to manipulate humans,” Cameron reportedly told friends. “Then I turned on the news and was like, ‘Well, sh!t.'”
HOLLYWOOD EXECUTIVES SUGGEST ALTERNATIVES
Studio executives have reportedly suggested Cameron pivot to creating films about utopian societies where technology serves humanity, but the director insists “that’s not even science fiction anymore, that’s just straight-up fantasy, like unicorns or affordable housing in Los Angeles.”
A desperate Hollywood producer suggested Cameron could still salvage the franchise by focusing on the human resistance. “What about a story where people turn off their phones and talk to each other?” he proposed, before being laughed out of the room by seventeen executives simultaneously checking their Twitter notifications.
CAMERON’S EXISTENTIAL CRISIS SPREADS TO OTHER FILMMAKERS
Cameron’s creative paralysis has reportedly triggered industry-wide panic. Sources claim George Lucas is now refusing to write any more space operas after learning Elon Musk is “basically just a Death Star constructor without the cool uniform.”
Meanwhile, Steven Spielberg has allegedly abandoned a script about aliens visiting Earth after reading that 87% of Americans would immediately try to sell extraterrestrials cryptocurrency or get them to join a multilevel marketing scheme.
FILMMAKER CONSIDERING CAREER CHANGE
In a final desperate move, Cameron is reportedly considering abandoning filmmaking altogether to focus on a new career as a prophet of doom.
“At least with apocalyptic predictions, I can’t be outpaced by reality,” Cameron was overheard saying. “I’ll just say the world ends in 2150 and by then I’ll be dead so no one can call me on my bullsh!t.”
When asked what he’ll do with his billions in the meantime, Cameron simply replied, “I guess I’ll keep making those blue cat people movies until the algorithm Americans force me to stop or everyone’s underwater, whichever comes first.”
