TECH NERDS INVENT VIDEO-GENERATING AI THAT WORKS FASTER THAN YOUR EXCUSES FOR NOT CALLING MOM

MIT Scientists Create System That Produces Videos Quicker Than You Can Say “Why The F@#k Do We Need This?”

ACTUAL NEWS YOU CAN USE

In what experts are calling “absolutely unnecessary technological progress,” MIT nerds have created yet another way to eliminate creative jobs with their new video-generating AI system called “CausVid.” The tool reportedly creates high-quality videos in seconds, giving unemployed film majors yet another reason to question their life choices.

NERDS BEING NERDS

Scientists from MIT’s Computer Science and Artificial Intelligence Laboratory (CSAIL) have apparently grown tired of actual human beings making videos and developed a hybrid system that combines the tedious work of hundreds of animators into one smug algorithm. The system works by having a “teacher” diffusion model train a “student” autoregressive model, essentially creating the world’s most expensive and complicated game of Simon Says.

“We’re basically teaching computers to make videos faster than your brain can process why this is terrifying,” explained Dr. Imma Replaceu, lead researcher on the project. “It’s like having a student who learns so well it makes the teacher obsolete. Which is definitely not a metaphor for anything happening in society right now.”

TECHNICAL BULLS#!T NO ONE UNDERSTANDS

The new system combines what researchers call a “diffusion-based model” with an “autoregressive architecture,” which to normal humans translates roughly to “magic rectangle think good make moving pictures fast.” Unlike previous systems that process entire videos at once or create them frame-by-frame, CausVid uses a hybrid approach that reportedly works up to 100 times faster than competing systems.

“Our model is revolutionary,” said project co-lead Tianwei Yin, who definitely didn’t just create this to pad his resume. “Instead of waiting minutes for a video, you now only have to wait seconds to create content that looks like it was made by humans but absolutely wasn’t. Progress!”

HOLY SH!T, THE EXAMPLES ARE ACTUALLY KIND OF COOL

According to researchers who definitely don’t have god complexes, CausVid can generate all sorts of fantastical scenes, like paper airplanes transforming into swans or woolly mammoths trudging through snow. Users can even make mid-generation changes, such as commanding “the man crossing the street writes in his notebook” when he reaches the sidewalk—because apparently telling real actors what to do wasn’t already a perfectly functional system.

THE “TOTALLY NOT PLANNING TO REPLACE YOUR JOB” SECTION

Researchers claim the system could be used for “different video editing tasks” like helping viewers understand livestreams in different languages, rendering new content in video games, or producing training simulations for robots. Conspicuously absent from this list: “making every video editor, visual effects artist, and animator question their career choices.”

Professor Cann T. Wait, an uninvolved observer with suspiciously perfect teeth, noted, “This technology will definitely not be used to create deep fakes of politicians saying they love socialism or your ex-girlfriend apologizing for stealing your PlayStation. That would be wrong and we definitely don’t want you to think about those applications.”

COMPETITORS WEEPING SOFTLY INTO THEIR KEYBOARDS

CausVid reportedly outperformed baseline models like “OpenSORA” and “MovieGen” in tests, scoring an impressive 84.27 on a text-to-video dataset. This score means absolutely nothing to the general public but apparently had researchers high-fiving and celebrating the imminent obsolescence of yet another creative profession.

“The speed of the autoregressive model really makes a difference,” Yin said, moments before the research team popped champagne bottles to celebrate making Hollywood CGI teams 17% more depressed.

THE BOTTOM LINE

While researchers celebrate their achievement in making videos generate faster than your last Tinder relationship fell apart, experts remind us that these advancements come with at least 99 ethical questions that will be addressed approximately never.

At press time, Adobe was reportedly preparing to include CausVid in their Creative Cloud subscription for just $79.99 per month, plus your firstborn child and the complete surrender of your creative identity.

Remember, it’s not the end of human creativity, it’s just the beginning of humans having to explain why their hand-crafted videos took longer than 3.2 seconds to produce. Progress!