GOVERNMENT UNVEILS “GRAND THEFT ART-O”: NEW BILL LETS TECH BROS STEAL YOUR SH!T FOR FREE
In a move that makes common burglary seem quaint and respectable, UK ministers have proposed legislation allowing AI companies to plunder the creative works of artists without so much as a “please” or a penny in compensation. The data (use and access) bill might as well be called the “F@#k Artists, We Love Silicon Valley” bill.
THEFT GETS FANCY NEW NAME, STILL THEFT
The government, apparently bored with traditional corruption, has invented an exciting new way to screw over its most talented citizens. Rather than stealing your wallet or car, they’re helping tech giants steal your life’s work. It’s grand theft auto for the digital age; except instead of stealing your Honda, they’re taking your symphony, novel, or painting.
“This revolutionary bill allows tech companies to skip all that annoying ‘paying for stuff’ nonsense,” explained Lord Moneygrubber, Minister for Destroying Creative Industries. “Why should our wealthy tech overlords have to PAY for content when they can just take it?”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN WITH PROFOUND DISBELIEF
“What’s next? Will restaurants be allowed to raid my refrigerator because they’re ‘training their chefs’?” asked Dr. Common Sense, Professor of Not Being A Complete Assh*le at the University of Obvious Ethics.
According to Professor Seymour Cash from the Institute of Economic Reality, “About 97.8% of artists already live below the poverty line while creating the culture that makes life worth living. This bill ensures that number reaches a perfect 100%.”
OPT-OUT SYSTEM ABOUT AS EFFECTIVE AS SCREAMING INTO A VOID
The government has generously provided an “opt-out” system that experts describe as “technically impossible” and “a complete f@#king joke.” Artists are expected to somehow prevent their work from being scraped by AI companies using methods that don’t actually exist.
“It’s like saying you can opt out of being robbed by filling out a form the robber has hidden somewhere in your neighbor’s basement,” explained digital rights advocate Clarity Obvious. “It’s a solution that exists only in the fevered imagination of someone who’s never created anything more meaningful than a spreadsheet.”
SILICON VALLEY RESPONDS WITH GRATITUDE AND ERECTIONS
Tech executives across Silicon Valley reportedly needed medical attention for priapism after hearing the news. “This is better than Christmas!” gushed Chad Moneybags, CEO of CreativityVampire.ai. “Now we can feed human creativity into our algorithms, spit out inferior copies, and keep ALL the profits! God, I love capitalism.”
Inside sources report that AI companies have already begun developing new products based on the works of unwilling artists, including “Definitely Not Andrew Lloyd Webber’s New Musical” and “Paintings That Look Suspiciously Like Banksy But We Swear We Made Them.”
CREATIVE APOCALYPSE TIMELINE ACCELERATED
Government economists predict the complete collapse of the UK’s £115 billion creative sector by next Thursday, but assure the public this is a small price to pay for allowing tech companies to increase their profit margins by 0.02%.
“Who needs actual human art anyway?” asked Technology Minister Sir Dense Cabbage. “Our studies show that 73% of people can’t tell the difference between AI-generated garbage and real human expression, especially after we’ve destroyed all financial incentives for creating the latter.”
In related news, the government is considering a follow-up bill allowing tech companies to harvest your organs without permission, provided they leave you a lovely thank-you note and a coupon for 10% off your next purchase of digital kidneys.
