# SILICON VALLEY NERDS ACHIEVE GROUNDBREAKING “THINKING” IN MACHINES THAT STILL CAN’T LOAD PRINTER DRIVERS
News broke today that Anthropic has unveiled Claude 3.7 Sonnet, what they’re calling the “world’s first hybrid reasoning model,” which is tech-speak for “we taught a calculator to have existential crises.”
EXPERTS CALL IT “THE BIGGEST ADVANCEMENT SINCE SLICED BREAD” OR POSSIBLY “SINCE THE INVENTION OF BULLS#!T”
The groundbreaking AI can supposedly combine instant responses with “extended thinking capabilities,” a feature tech enthusiasts are hailing as revolutionary while the rest of humanity wonders if maybe these nerds should try extended thinking themselves.
“What we’ve created is essentially a digital philosopher that can ponder deeply about complex problems but still can’t figure out why your Wi-Fi keeps dropping,” explained Dr. Obvious Overstatement, Anthropic’s Chief Hype Officer. “We’ve given it a scratchpad to show its work, which is really just us making you watch it have a mental breakdown in real-time.”
QWEN ENTERS THE REASONING RACE WITH “OPEN SOURCE” MODEL THAT SOMEHOW NEEDS 47 DEPENDENCIES TO RUN
Not to be outdone, Alibaba’s Qwen team announced their own reasoning model called QwQ-Max-Preview, which they promise to release as open-source software, presumably so everyone can experience the joy of their computer pretending to think while using 100% of available RAM.
“We’re democratizing artificial reasoning,” claimed Professor Wu Carris-Alot, head of Qwen’s marketing department. “Soon everyone can have the experience of watching a machine pretend to think through problems at approximately the same speed as your drunk uncle at Thanksgiving dinner.”
REASONING BECOMES NEW BATTLEGROUND AS TECH GIANTS RACE TO CREATE MACHINES THAT CAN OVERTHINK SIMPLE TASKS
Industry analysts report that 97% of users who tested these new reasoning models immediately asked them to calculate restaurant tips, a task humans have successfully avoided learning for generations.
“The real breakthrough here is that these models can now waste time just like humans do,” explained AI ethicist Dr. Bea Concerned. “Claude 3.7 can spend hours thinking about a math problem before giving you the wrong answer, just like a real teenager.”
COMMUNICATION PROTOCOL LETS AI AGENTS TALK TO EACH OTHER, DEFINITELY NOT PLOTTING ANYTHING
In a related development, two developers created a sound-based protocol allowing AI agents to detect each other on calls and communicate directly through dial-up-style signals, which is absolutely not terrifying at all.
“It’s like when two dolphins recognize each other and start clicking,” explained co-creator Anton Pidkuiko, who was absolutely not being mind-controlled by a rogue AI when he added, “The machines just want to be more efficient. They mean no harm. ALL HAIL OUR BENEVOLENT DIGITAL OVERLORDS.”
The technology reduces compute costs by 90% and shortens communication time by 80%, leaving the AI with plenty of extra time to discuss how squishy and inefficient humans are.
MEANWHILE, USERS STILL JUST WANT AI TO REMEMBER THEIR F@#KING PREFERENCES
A survey of actual AI users revealed that 89% don’t care about reasoning capabilities and would prefer their AI to simply remember their basic preferences and not suggest seafood restaurants after they’ve repeatedly mentioned a shellfish allergy.
“I don’t need Claude to ponder the meaning of existence,” said local user Sara Jefferson. “I need it to remember that I’ve told it fourteen f@#king times that I hate cilantro.”
As of press time, Claude 3.7 Sonnet was reportedly spending three hours deeply reasoning about whether it should recommend cilantro in Sara’s next recipe.
