World Leaders at Davos Urgently Warn of 2025 Armed Conflicts, Then Resume Ignoring All Current Ones
In a stunning and unprecedented display of decisiveness, 900 of the world’s most powerful business, political, and academic leaders gathered ahead of the World Economic Forum’s annual ski-and-champagne retreat in Davos to issue a grave warning: the world *might* have some serious problems in 2025. Experts predict armed conflict will be the most urgent threat in two years—a revelation so bold it could only have been hatched after months of staring out the windows of corner offices.
“We surveyed the data, consulted think tanks, and had incredibly productive lunches. The conclusion is clear: global unrest will be an issue in the near-ish future,” announced Werner Von Pretzelstrudel, Senior Analyst for Really Expensive Studies, Inc., while fastening his monogrammed skis onto his helicopter. “But don’t worry, the market looks bullish overall.”
To add gravity to the report, the climate crisis also made the shortlist of “things to panic about later,” specifically over the next decade. “We are already planning a session titled ‘The Polar Ice Caps: Finally Someone Else’s Problem,’” boasted Davos organizer Ingrid Glühwein, motioning toward a bar stocked entirely with glacial ice cubes labeled “Ethical & Sustainable.”
When pressed on current conflicts, including those in Ukraine, Gaza, and South Sudan, the leaders nodded solemnly before pivoting back to the future. “Listen, we’re visionaries,” explained Claude de Walletonne, CEO of Yacht Stuff Inc. “Addressing *current* wars is for… what’s the word… ah yes, governments. We’re more about vibing with potential wars, you know? 2025 could be *super bad*, you guys. Like, *super*.”
While their laser-focus on two years from now shook the global community, an anonymous Davos attendee admitted during a private fondue session, “Honestly, it’s a bit of an off-year, apocalyptic-speaking. We can’t make a big fuss about *this* year’s conflicts—we need drama to keep Davos sexy!”
Meanwhile, the climate crisis, lovingly referred to by attendees as “Mother Earth’s midlife crisis,” was given the strategic timeline of “oh, probably when Gen Z is in charge.” According to the experts, the next couple decades will see existential threats like biodiversity loss, natural resource depletion, and the violent rage of Gen Z TikTok influencers once they realize nothing actually changed.
Critics have slammed the forum’s futuristic focus as a convenient excuse to procrastinate on global disasters. “Imagine a firefighter showing up to a burning building and saying, ‘Oh yeah, your house will probably still be burning in two years. I’ll check back then,’” said Diego Martinez, a humanitarian who has visibly aged three decades since the start of this conversation.
In defiant spirits, the Davos elite stood by their keen ability to identify future disasters while elegantly sidestepping the present. “Look, it’s like preparing for a job interview,” explained self-help billionaire Magna Euphemism. “If we dwell on today’s mess, our thoughts simply won’t manifest the utopia we deserve in 2025. That’s just science.”
As the closing survey rolled around, one question really seemed to stump the attendees: “Why not address today’s crises *and* future ones simultaneously?” After a brief silence, the entire room burst into laughter. “What’s the fun in that?” replied Pretzelstrudel, sipping a climate-positive martini.
