**Keir Starmer Bets UK’s Entire Economy on AI Revolution; UK Public Prepares to Live Solely on Vibes Until 2040**
In what economists are cheekily referring to as “Skynet Goes to Westminster,” Prime Minister Keir Starmer unveiled his ambitious plan to let artificial intelligence do everything short of replacing Big Ben with an Amazon Alexa. The goal? Turn Britain from a floundering mess of tea-laden despair into a cutting-edge dystopia where robots handle boring tasks like productivity, while humans continue to argue over whether beans belong on toast.
Starmer’s brave AI strategy, outlined this week during what one Cabinet member described as his “annual optimism hour,” comes with a subtle caveat: any actual benefits are expected to arrive decades from now, when self-driving cars are old enough to qualify for free bus passes. “This plan is about the *future* of Britain,” Starmer declared, proudly ignoring the collapsing present. “One day, thanks to AI, our nation will lead the world… in PowerPoint slides about economic growth!”
Chancellor of the Exchequer Rachel Reeves, who has been tasked with somehow pulling money out of thin air to pay for this sci-fi fever dream, stood grimly by Starmer’s side. “Rachel has my full support,” Starmer assured the crowd, subtly coughing over what sounded suspiciously like the words “until further notice.” Insiders report that Reeves has already begun draft emails to Google with the subject line, “Any billionaire robots out there looking to invest?”
However, analysts warn that this grand tech renaissance comes at a slight cost—namely, draining every other government budget until British citizens are left wondering if NHS waiting rooms will be replaced by Clippy the Microsoft Office Assistant saying, “It looks like you’re dying. Need help drafting a will?”
Critics were quick to mock the AI-first approach. “So let me get this straight,” scoffed opposition MP Nigel Snogworth. “The pound is plummeting, debt costs are through the roof, and the solution is to teach a bloody Roomba how to code?” Snogworth’s remarks earned a standing ovation in Parliament, though it’s unclear if they were clapping for him or just trying to trigger the motion sensor on a malfunctioning government-funded robot.
Meanwhile, members of the public have expressed mixed feelings about the plan. “If AI’s going to run the economy, can it explain why my rent is now calculated in Bitcoin memes?” asked 29-year-old office worker Sophie Pritchard, who found out about the initiative when her Uber Eats app started recommending job training in quantum computing. Derek Halberth, a retired teacher, added, “I always wondered if a robot would take my job, but I didn’t expect it to be after I retired and was trying to enjoy my garden.”
Futurists, on the other hand, are giddy. “AI could bring massive advancements!” exclaimed Dr. Harold Byte, who recently chaired the “Welcome Our Algorithmic Overlords” conference. “Imagine an AI-powered Britain where trains run on time, potholes fill themselves, and no one has to explain cricket rules anymore because robots already know they’re stupid.”
But not everyone’s on board. Reports have emerged that Starmer’s plan has so alarmed European leaders that Germany and France are discreetly fitting AI-detection sensors to every border checkpoint. “It’s not xenophobia,” a French spokesperson explained with a sigh. “We just refuse to be colonized by ChatGPT-generated fish and chips recipes.”
Still, Starmer remains resolute. “This is the most significant leap forward since the Industrial Revolution!” he proclaimed, fully erecting his metaphorical soapbox. Moments later, an error on the teleprompter caused him to inadvertently declare that “AI will rectify tricanomic kaplertunity,” leaving aides scrambling to reboot their leader with a Ctrl-Alt-Delete.
Until AI’s promised nirvana arrives—presumably on the same day as the Second Coming—British citizens are being asked to have “faith.” Or as one government slogan puts it: “The Future Is Bright… if We Can Borrow Enough Duct Tape to Fix This Week.”