Tech Firms Demand Cheaper Electricity, Because Apparently, They’re More Important Than You

In a groundbreaking display of entitlement, tech firms have politely informed the UK that their electricity should cost less than yours. Citing their absolute necessity to society—because, obviously, humanity cannot function without an AI-generated image of a cat wearing a tiny hat—these companies are pushing for zonal electricity pricing to keep their power-hungry operations running smoothly.

“If AI had actual intelligence,” says Bath resident David Lucas, “it would tell its billionaire overlords to set up in cities where their heat waste could warm actual people instead of turning remote landscapes into glowing wastelands.” Radical thinking, David, but let’s be real—why use waste heat to warm homes when you could instead power an army of digital assistants that misinterpret every command?

Meanwhile, Thatcher’s right-to-buy policy is still kicking in England and Northern Ireland, proving once again that bad decisions have a longer shelf life than common sense. Scotland and Wales wised up years ago, but England remains committed to selling off council houses because, you know, owning a home should be an extreme sport rather than a basic human right.

In other news, someone in the UK postal service is still trying to grasp the revolutionary concept of “on-time delivery,” and teachers remain baffled by student handwriting that looks like ancient hieroglyphs. AI may be able to generate essays in seconds, but until it can decipher a teenager’s 7-page scrawl that somehow only contains three actual words, teachers will still have job security.

So to sum up: tech firms want cheaper power, homeowners want affordable housing, students lack legible handwriting, and the postal service is still navigating space-time inconsistencies. Progress!