U.S. Discovers 76 Gigawatts of Power Hiding in Data Centers, Promptly Plans to Waste It on AI Cat Memes
In a shocking revelation that has utility companies kicking themselves, a new study suggests that America’s power-hungry data centers have secretly been hoarding enough electricity to light up the entire country—if only they’d stop binge-processing AI-generated junk.
Researchers found that with a few tweaks (a.k.a. turning off 4,000 servers dedicated to generating “What Would Socrates Say About Fortnite?” essays), data centers could free up 76 gigawatts of electricity. For context, that’s enough power to run 60 million homes, or about half the billboards in Times Square.
Data centers, the backbone of everything from Bitcoin mining to whatever Zuckerberg is building in the metaverse, have long been accused of draining the grid. But apparently, they’re also sitting on a stockpile of potential capacity like a squirrel with a hoarding problem.
“We estimate that with better demand-response strategies, data centers could provide significant relief to the energy grid,” said Dr. Kevin Watts, lead researcher on the study. “Or, they could just keep sucking up power so AI can continue writing mediocre screenplays about robots falling in love with humans.”
The study suggests minor adjustments could reduce peak demand, such as shifting high-energy tasks to off-peak hours. But, as one anonymous tech executive explained, “That might mean delaying the real-time deepfaking of presidential candidates. And we just can’t have that.”
Despite the findings, analysts remain skeptical that tech giants will willingly give up their electrical death grip. After all, why power hospitals when you can process another 300,000 AI-generated motivational quotes about mornings?
At this rate, America’s best hope might be convincing Elon Musk to tweet about how cool power conservation is. Otherwise, say hello to rolling blackouts and an AI-powered future where the only thing still functioning is the server that keeps recommending you buy another air fryer.
