DESPERATE AMD EXEC SACRIFICES FIRSTBORN TO BEAT NVIDIA, ADDS “LIKE 20% MORE GRAPHICS” TO NEW CARDS
In what industry analysts are calling “a cry for help disguised as a product launch,” AMD unveiled its latest graphics cards apparently designed by executives who still think more numbers equals better technology.
THE NUMBERS MASON, WHAT DO THEY MEAN?
AMD’s new Radeon RX 9070 and 9070 XT promise “20% to 40% more power,” which company insiders clarified means “somewhere between barely noticeable and we’re just f@#king guessing.” The cards retail at $549 and $599 respectively, or as gamers call it, “slightly less than my monthly rent but I’ll still buy it because I have the financial literacy of a toaster.”
“We’re absolutely challenging NVIDIA,” declared AMD CEO Dr. Lisa Su while nervously glancing at NVIDIA headquarters through binoculars. “Just look at all those numbers in our product names! The 9000s! That’s like, a THOUSAND more than 8000! Take THAT, Jensen!”
TECHNICALLY SPEAKING, NOBODY UNDERSTANDS THIS SH!T ANYWAY
The new graphics cards feature what AMD calls “revolutionary technology” which translates to “we added more blinking lights and a unnecessary cooling fan that sounds like a jet engine.”
“These GPUs represent a quantum leap in technology,” explained Chief Technology Bullsh!tter Trevor McPixel. “And by quantum leap, we mean a barely perceptible incremental improvement that we’ve marketed as the second coming of digital Jesus.”
According to completely legitimate research by Professor Graphs Makemenauseous of the Institute for Making Numbers Look Impressive, “97.3% of gamers cannot actually perceive the difference between AMD and NVIDIA cards, but 100% have strong opinions about which one is better based entirely on which logo they think looks cooler.”
AI TELECOM WHATNOW?
In a desperate attempt to seem relevant in the AI space, AMD also announced something about “AI telecom solutions” at Mobile World Congress, though nobody, including AMD’s own engineers, could explain what that actually means.
“It’s basically AI, but for phones, or something,” mumbled AMD’s Chief Buzzword Officer Jargon Speakington. “Look, NVIDIA is doing AI stuff and making billions, so we’re doing AI stuff too. Don’t ask questions.”
The telecom solution apparently adds intelligence to networks, which is ironic considering the stunning lack of intelligence displayed in the pricing strategy of these new cards.
THE HARSH REALITY
Industry expert Dr. Reality Check points out that AMD’s strategy appears to be “making slightly worse versions of NVIDIA products and charging slightly less for them, then acting surprised when this exact same strategy yields the same disappointing results for the 47th consecutive quarter.”
A recent survey found that 89% of AMD executives spend their free time throwing darts at pictures of NVIDIA CEO Jensen Huang while whispering “someday, someday” in increasingly concerning tones.
In related news, 96% of gamers who purchase either card will use them exclusively to play games that could run on a calculator, while insisting they needed the upgrade “for future-proofing.”
At press time, AMD executives were reportedly seen drawing “10070” on napkins and giggling maniacally about their upcoming plans to revolutionize the industry by adding yet another digit to their product names.
