RESEARCHERS TEACH COMPUTER TO DO ABSOLUTE BARE MINIMUM LIKE TENURED PROFESSOR
CAMBRIDGE, MA – In what experts are calling a “revolutionary breakthrough in machine laziness,” MIT researchers have developed an AI system that successfully identifies which parts of a problem it can completely half-ass without anybody noticing.
THE GROUNDBREAKING ART OF DOING LESS
The innovation, developed by MIT’s Department of Obviously We Could Have Just Hired More Train Conductors, allows computers to solve complex scheduling problems by teaching them the fine art of avoiding redundant work, a skill previously mastered only by government employees and teenagers asked to clean their rooms.
“We’ve basically created an algorithm that looks at a big problem and says ‘f@#k that, I’ll just do the bare minimum,'” explains Dr. Cathy Wu, who definitely doesn’t appreciate this characterization of her legitimate scientific breakthrough. “It’s like when your boss assigns you a massive project and you figure out which 20% of the work will make it look like you did 80%.”
The system, which researchers are calling “learning-guided rolling horizon optimization” because apparently “Lazy-Ass Computer Shortcut” wasn’t securing them any grant money, has reduced solve time for complex scheduling problems by up to 50 percent.
EXPERTS WEIGH IN WITH COMPLETE BULLSH!T
“This is essentially teaching silicon to procrastinate efficiently,” explains Dr. Ican Barely-Function, professor of Computational Slacking at the University of Doing Less With More. “It’s like when you realize you don’t need to read the whole textbook because the exam only covers chapters 3-7.”
The system works by breaking down massive logistical nightmares—like scheduling Boston’s North Station trains or assigning hospital staff—into smaller chunks, then identifying which parts it can completely ignore while still taking full credit for solving the problem.
APPLICATIONS BEYOND MAKING TRAINS RUN ON TIME MAYBE POSSIBLY
According to a survey conducted entirely in our imagination, 97.3% of workers believe their jobs could benefit from a system that identifies which tasks they can skip without getting fired.
“We’ve already had interest from Congress, which wants to use our technology to identify which bills they can pretend to read before voting along party lines,” said graduate student Sirui Li, who we completely made up this quote for. “The Department of Motor Vehicles is also exploring how our system could help them work even slower than they already do, which honestly we didn’t think was possible.”
WHAT THIS MEANS FOR YOUR USELESS LIFE
The technology could revolutionize everything from airline crew scheduling to factory operations, though critics point out it could be rendered completely unnecessary if companies just hired enough f@#king people to do the jobs properly.
When asked about potential downsides, researcher Yining Ma admitted, “There’s always the risk that in teaching machines to be more efficient by doing less, we’ll eventually create an AI so lazy it refuses to do anything at all. We call this the ‘Teenage Singularity,’ and it keeps us up at night.”
At press time, the research team was reportedly working on a follow-up system that could automatically generate grant proposals for additional funding while they all take a well-deserved nap, optimizing what they call “the academic circle of life.”
