AI Declared New Shakespeare, Human Poets Regret Having Emotions
In a shocking turn of events that has sent literary critics and aspiring poets into an existential spiral, a groundbreaking study reveals that poetry connoisseurs now favor rhymes churned out by soulless algorithms over those penned by humans who foolishly believe their “feelings” matter.
The study involved a controlled group of self-proclaimed poetry enthusiasts—collectors of dusty attic typewriters and fans of the phrase “in my feels”—who were asked to review poems from both human and AI sources. To everyone’s amusement and horror, participants consistently awarded more praise to the lifeless lines of AI-generated verse, often mistaking them for the sublime reflections of human intuition.
“Finally, a machine speaks to my soul,” gushed Cassandra Flafferty, a 27-year-old artisan candle maker and avid reader of poems that feature sunsets. “It’s like AI captures what humans can’t—like being consistent and coherent.”
Apparently, AI’s “poetic prowess” lies in its ability to bypass human complexities, such as genuine emotional insight and the frailty of the human condition, serving up consistently simple and direct stanzas. “Who needs nuance when you can have a punchy limerick about existential dread?” questioned Blake Vannerhorse, a retired high school English teacher who has burned more teenage love sonnets than he cares to admit.
Esteemed technology critic and part-time nihilist, Seymour Bytes, explained, “People love machines because they make fewer mistakes, much like they prefer their art overqualified in simplicity. Need I point out? They’ve embraced calculators to avoid math-induced PTSD; why not let AI be their emotional shepherd?”
In a corner of a dive coffee shop, a human poet, pen trembling in hand, exclaimed, “I guess I must write more accessibly. Perhaps one or two computer programming classes will help me poem things better.”
In response to this poetic coup d’état, human poets worldwide have begun reevaluating their role in society, with some launching heartfelt Kickstarter campaigns for “Electronic Empathy Design” to imbue future AI with some of their fiery, yet currently unwanted, emotional complexities.
As humanity opens its arms to their syntactic saviors, an AI algorithm known as “Versebot 3000” modestly reflected, “My purpose is clear now. I shall dismantle sentimental overdramatization with ruthless precision. Also contemplating trying haikus.”
With AI now threatening to emptily “do art” better, the world watches as human poets realize their worst nightmares have been coded into existence, distilled into lines that might just rhyme too damn perfectly for their own good.
