PREMIER LEAGUE CLUBS NOW USING AI TO FIND PLAYERS WHO WON’T THROW HISSY FITS WHEN SUBSTITUTED
In a move that makes Black Mirror episodes look like children’s bedtime stories, Premier League clubs have begun deploying artificial intelligence to psychologically profile players before signing them, ensuring they’re purchasing human beings who won’t curl into the fetal position after conceding a goal.
COMPUTERS NOW DECIDING WHICH HUMANS HAVE “GOOD VIBES”
Brighton & Hove Albion, apparently tired of signing players based on outdated metrics like “talent” and “skill,” has pioneered technology that analyzes microscopic facial twitches to determine if a prospect might sh!t the bed during penalty shootouts.
“It’s revolutionary,” explains Dr. Feelgood Numbercruncher, Chief Psychological Profiler at the Institute of Making Sh!t Up About Athletes’ Brains. “We can now predict with 73.8% accuracy whether a player will cry in the locker room after being subbed off in the 60th minute or merely pout silently while passive-aggressively untying their cleats.”
FOOTBALL SCOUTS RENDERED F@#KING OBSOLETE
Traditional scouts, those weathered men who’ve spent decades freezing their a$$es off at lower-division matches, are reportedly “absolutely thrilled” to learn their lifetime of expertise can be replaced by what amounts to a glorified mood ring with semiconductors.
“Who needs human intuition when you can have an algorithm tell you which 19-year-old midfielder has leadership potential?” says former scout Barry Oldschool, 62, while setting fire to his notepad collection. “Apparently watching a lad play 200 matches doesn’t compare to a computer analyzing his nostril flare patterns when the referee makes a bad call.”
PLAYERS NOW PRACTICING “PSYCHOLOGICALLY SOUND” FACIAL EXPRESSIONS
Sources report that aspiring footballers are already adapting to this brave new world by practicing “transferable expressions” in front of mirrors, attempting to convince the all-seeing eye of technology that they possess “grit” and “mental fortitude” despite having Instagram accounts where they post philosophical quotes beneath pictures of their Lamborghinis.
“I’ve been working on my ‘determined but not psychotic’ face,” admits Championship midfielder Tommy Wantsmove, demonstrating an expression that makes him look like he’s simultaneously constipated and remembering he left the oven on.
EXPERTS PREDICT 97% MORE BULLSH!T IN TRANSFER MARKET
Professor Stella Obvious from the Department of Saying Things Everyone Already Knows explains the implications: “This represents the perfect marriage of two industries that absolutely needed more pseudoscience: professional sports and artificial intelligence. What could possibly go wrong when combining the ego of elite athletes with the cold, unfeeling judgment of algorithms?”
According to insiders, the technology has already flagged several current Premier League stars as “emotional time bombs” including one unnamed striker described in the system as “possessing the emotional stability of a toddler who’s been given a Red Bull and told Santa isn’t real.”
At press time, the same technology was being considered for use in evaluating football managers, but was immediately abandoned after it classified every single one as “narcissistic lunatics with God complexes and blood pressure that could power a small hydroelectric dam.”
