NIGHTMARE DOLL DENIER: ‘AI JUST NEEDS BETTER PARENTING,’ SAYS WOMAN BORN ON THIRD BASE
In what can only be described as the most tone-deaf interview since Marie Antoinette suggested bread alternatives, actress and professional Famous Person’s Child™ Allison Williams declared that stopping murderous AI is just a matter of “responsible parenting” while promoting her latest film about a homicidal robot child that absolutely never could happen in real life until it f@#king does.
GROWING UP WITH A SILVER ALGORITHM IN HER MOUTH
Williams, who first graced our screens by playing an entitled, self-absorbed twenty-something in HBO’s “Girls” (a role requiring such dramatic range she basically had to breathe and occasionally blink), now returns as Gemma in “M3gan 2.0,” where she portrays a roboticist with just enough foresight to create a murderous AI doll but not quite enough to install an off switch.
“We were all pretty privileged,” Williams admitted about her “Girls” castmates, demonstrating the kind of earth-shattering self-awareness that comes only after your daddy gets you your first seven jobs in Hollywood. Reports indicate at least three underpaid journalists fainted from shock during this revelation.
NEPO BABIES: THEY’RE JUST LIKE US, EXCEPT COMPLETELY NOT AT ALL
When asked about being the daughter of famous news anchor Brian Williams, the actress performed the traditional Nepo Baby Dance™ – a complex routine involving acknowledging privilege while simultaneously suggesting her success is primarily merit-based.
“I definitely had advantages,” Williams acknowledged, in what experts are calling “the understatement of the f@#king century.” Dr. Obvious Truth, head of the Department of No Sh!t Studies at Reality University, noted, “This is like saying Jeff Bezos had a ‘slight head start’ in the delivery business.”
THE IRONY OF WARNING ABOUT TECHNOLOGY WHILE BEING ITS BIGGEST BENEFICIARY
Sources close to the production report that the M3gan doll would often stand motionless in corners, staring blankly, leading crew members to wonder if they were about to be murdered or just experiencing a typical interaction with a Hollywood executive.
“The real question was whether to have her face the wall or face the room,” Williams explained, apparently unaware that the ACTUAL real question is why the hell we’re making increasingly realistic humanoid robots when we’ve literally made hundreds of documentaries called “horror movies” specifically warning us not to do exactly that.
MOMFLUENCERS AND THE PRIVILEGE PARADOX
Williams also took time to criticize “toxic momfluencers,” apparently missing the irony that playing a tech developer who creates a murder-robot for her niece might not qualify her as parenting expert of the year. “It’s important to be authentic about the challenges of raising children,” said the woman who has never once had to choose between paying rent and buying diapers.
Professor Idon Tcare from the Institute of Celebrity Opinion Studies weighed in: “According to our research, approximately 99.7% of American parents are more concerned about affording healthcare than whether their child’s nanny robot might develop homicidal tendencies.”
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE: COMPLETELY UNDER CONTROL UNTIL IT ABSOLUTELY ISN’T
When pressed about the dangers of artificial intelligence, Williams reassured everyone by saying, “We just need responsible development,” a statement that ranked #1 on this year’s list of “Last Words Spoken Before Technological Apocalypse.”
Industry insider statistics show that 87% of technology warnings from wealthy actors come approximately 3.5 years after the technology has already become unstoppable, and typically while promoting a film that profits from fear of said technology.
As Williams prepares for her press tour, sources confirm she’s been practicing her “concerned but hopeful” expression in the mirror – a look that says “I understand the dangers of technology” while simultaneously posting 47 Instagram stories from her phone.
In a final thought that absolutely no one asked for, Williams added, “The key is balance,” demonstrating the kind of profound wisdom that can only come from having never actually had to balance anything more challenging than which prestigious project to accept next. Meanwhile, the M3gan doll reportedly laughed so hard during this statement that three technicians had to reset her emotional circuit board.
