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In what experts are calling “the dumbest f@#king idea since the self-driving toilet,” a new book advocates for Americans to form deeper “relationships” with artificial intelligence in the name of national security.
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Alexander C. Karp, a man with more degrees than a thermometer factory and CEO of secretive tech company Palantir, has co-authored “The Technological Republic,” a book so important that it has already spawned three companion volumes likely written by the same digital thought slaves that will eventually harvest our organs.
“This is clearly the most rational approach to protecting democracy,” explained Dr. Obvious Conflict-of-Interest, who coincidentally receives $14 million annually in Pentagon contracts. “Americans must embrace government-sponsored silicon-based thinking rectangles before China’s electronic consciousness cubes gain sentience and steal our Netflix passwords.”
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Karp’s company Palantir, named after the all-seeing orbs from Lord of the Rings because subtlety is dead, received initial funding from the CIA, which historically has never been involved in anything questionable or morally problematic.
“It’s absolutely crucial that we merge the capabilities of unaccountable tech monopolies with the restraint and transparency of intelligence agencies,” said Professor Idon Tcare, Chair of Terrible F@#king Ideas at Stanford University. “What could possibly go wrong when companies that sell your bathroom habits to advertisers team up with organizations that once tried to kill Castro with exploding cigars?”
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The book, described by critics as “Oppenheimer meets The Social Network meets a dumpster fire of techno-fascism,” offers a comprehensive vision for America’s future where citizens voluntarily surrender all remaining privacy in exchange for vague promises of security against electronic enemies we can’t see.
According to leaked excerpts, Karp advocates for a system where every American gets their own personal algorithm companion that reports unusual thoughts directly to a joint committee of Facebook moderators and former Guantanamo interrogators.
“People are way too concerned about basic civil liberties,” said national security analyst Miles Surveillance from the Institute of Just Trust Us. “Our research shows that 78% of threats to democracy come from people who ask questions about threats to democracy.”
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The companion books to Karp’s manifesto reportedly include step-by-step instructions for citizens to “navigate the digital age,” which sources say mostly involve techniques for smiling naturally at cameras and not using words like “revolution” or “privacy” in text messages.
“These supplementary volumes are absolutely essential reading,” insisted literary critic and suspected chatbot Paige Turner. “Without the workbooks, readers might miss crucial steps in preparing for mandatory brain-chip installations scheduled for 2026.”
At press time, the intelligence community was reportedly developing a new classification system for citizens based on their enthusiasm for surrendering constitutional rights to electronic overlords with corporate logos.
“Remember,” concluded Karp in his book’s final chapter, “if you have nothing to hide, you have nothing to fear. And if that sentence made you uncomfortable, we already know, and we’ve noted it in your file.”
