TRUMP FIRES 6,700 IRS WORKERS, PROMISES “ROBOT TAXMEN WON’T ASK FOR YOUR RECEIPTS OR BATHROOM BREAKS”
In what experts are calling “a f@#king masterclass in administrative chaos,” President Trump has announced the termination of 6,700 IRS employees right in the middle of tax season, apparently subscribing to the bold new management philosophy of “setting the building on fire during the annual fire inspection.”
TAX RETURNS NOW EXPECTED TO BE PROCESSED SOMETIME BETWEEN “EVENTUALLY” AND “GO F@#K YOURSELF”
The timing of these layoffs has raised eyebrows among financial analysts who suggest that firing thousands of tax workers during tax season might be comparable to “firing lifeguards during a tsunami” or “firing firefighters during a volcanic eruption.”
“This is actually brilliant strategy,” explained Dr. Fiscal Nightmare, Chair of Catastrophic Timing at the Institute for Obviously Bad Ideas. “By creating a tax system so dysfunctional that nobody can possibly comply with it, everyone becomes a tax evader by default, which means everyone’s guilty, which means nobody’s guilty. It’s like setting the speed limit at 0 mph then arresting every driver in America.”
When asked about the millions of Americans anxiously awaiting tax refunds, White House spokesperson Candice Truthn’t responded, “The President believes Americans should keep more of their money, which is why we’re making it physically impossible for them to receive their refund checks.”
THE SILICON REPLACEMENT PLAN
Sources within the administration reveal that the laid-off employees will be replaced by what officials are referring to as “digital paper-pushers” and “spreadsheet whisperers” that can process returns “at the speed of electricity minus the inconvenient demands for healthcare and living wages.”
“Our new electronic calculation servants will revolutionize tax collection,” explained Treasury Secretary Buck Pocketz. “They don’t complain about overtime, they don’t form unions, and best of all, they can be programmed to find deductions exclusively for people who have buildings with their names on them.”
TAXPAYERS ADVISED TO COMMUNICATE WITH IRS VIA INTERPRETIVE DANCE OR CARRIER PIGEON
With 92% of phone calls to the IRS already going unanswered before the cuts, the agency is now suggesting alternative methods of communication.
“We recommend taxpayers try shouting their questions into their Wi-Fi routers or writing their concerns on paper airplanes and throwing them in the general direction of Washington DC,” said Acting IRS Commissioner Neva Answers, who will reportedly be replaced by a Magic 8-Ball next week.
EXPERTS PREDICT PRIVATE SECTOR NEXT ON THE CHOPPING BLOCK
Financial analyst Dr. Ima Screwed warns that this federal experiment could inspire private businesses. “If you think your job can’t be done by a glorified calculator with delusions of sentience, you’re in for a rude awakening,” she said. “According to our projections, 87.3% of workers will eventually be replaced by things that run on electricity instead of hope and coffee.”
A recent study by the completely real Institute for Employment Realities found that 69% of all jobs could theoretically be performed by “judgment-free data processors” that “never need bathroom breaks, parental leave, or explanations for why punishing success with higher taxes makes zero f@#king sense.”
When reached for comment about the potential for widespread unemployment, White House economic advisor Richie Richington III stated, “Look, people can always find new jobs teaching the thinking rectangles how to do their old jobs better. It’s the circle of progress, folks.”
At press time, President Trump was reportedly asking if the software could be programmed to automatically audit anyone who has ever criticized him on social media, filed taxes while Democrat, or failed to acknowledge his 2020 election “victory.”
