AMAZON INTRODUCES “LIAR LIPS”: AI MAKES FOREIGN ACTORS SAY WHATEVER THE F@#K JEFF BEZOS WANTS

Prime Video announced Wednesday it has begun testing an AI dubbing service that can make Antonio Banderas scream “I SHOP EXCLUSIVELY AT WHOLE FOODS” in perfect Midwestern English while his mouth moves completely differently.

SILICON VALLEY SOLVES PROBLEM ABSOLUTELY NO ONE ASKED FOR

The groundbreaking technology combines cutting-edge artificial intelligence with human “quality control experts” who apparently just sit in dark rooms nodding and saying, “Yep, that German grandmother definitely would use the phrase ‘yeet that skeet’ in casual conversation.”

“We’re revolutionizing how Americans consume foreign content by eliminating all those pesky cultural nuances and regional dialects,” said Heather Smoothbrain, Prime Video’s Chief Cultural Homogenization Officer. “Now viewers can enjoy international cinema without the burden of experiencing other cultures authentically!”

The AI system, codenamed “LIAR LIPS,” works by analyzing an actor’s mouth movements then completely ignoring them and just saying whatever the algorithm thinks will appeal to Americans who refuse to read subtitles.

ACTUAL TRANSLATORS RESPOND WITH ENTHUSIASM, TERROR

Professional translators and dubbing artists have responded to the announcement with what Prime Video describes as “enthusiastic acceptance” but what court documents filed Thursday call “plans for class-action lawsuits.”

“This is absolutely f@#king fantastic,” said veteran voice actor Diego Montoya through what appeared to be clenched teeth and barely contained rage. “I’ve only spent 25 years perfecting my craft, so I’m thrilled to be replaced by a robot that makes Spanish telenovela actresses sound like they’re from Toledo, Ohio.”

TESTING REVEALS HILARIOUS, TERRIFYING RESULTS

Early tests of the technology have yielded mixed results. In one Korean drama, a tender confession of love was translated as “MY HEART BURNS FOR YOU LIKE AMAZON’S NEW FIRE TV STICK, NOW 20% OFF WITH PRIME MEMBERSHIP.” A pivotal death scene in an Italian crime drama was somehow dubbed with the entire lyrics to “Baby Shark.”

Dr. Felix Worryalot, Professor of Digital Ethics at Making Sh!t Up University, expressed concerns: “Our studies show that 87.3% of viewers don’t actually care if Robert De Niro’s mouth movements match his words, but 100% of viewers will be disturbed when AI makes Pedro Almodóvar characters suggest subscribing to Amazon Fresh.”

AMAZON PROMISES “HUMAN OVERSIGHT,” FIRES 4,000 HUMANS

Amazon insists human professionals will remain part of the process, maintaining “quality control” by occasionally glancing at screens between fulfilling their mandatory 473 bathroom break request forms.

“We’ve assembled a diverse team of two interns to oversee the cultural sensitivity aspects of our AI dubbing,” explained Chip Dataworth, Amazon’s SVP of Replacing Humans With Calculators. “Both Chad and Brad bring unique perspectives as white guys who once ate at Chipotle.”

WHAT’S NEXT: CUSTOMIZABLE DIALOGUE OPTIONS

Sources within Amazon reveal future plans to let viewers customize dialogue based on their political preferences. Conservative viewers can make all characters in French art films say, “TAXES ARE THEFT,” while liberal viewers can have every Japanese anime character explain the intricacies of composting.

At press time, company executives were reportedly testing an advanced feature that would allow viewers to replace any actor they don’t like with a digital Tom Hanks, finally allowing Americans to watch foreign films without having to look at foreign people.