CATS USING AI TO CREATE SOAP OPERAS SO DISTURBING HUMANS CAN’T LOOK AWAY; EXPERTS FEAR FELINE WORLD DOMINATION IMMINENT
In what can only be described as the final nail in humanity’s collective coffin, the internet has birthed a new abomination: AI-generated cat soap operas that are simultaneously so addictive and disturbing that scientists are calling them “the crack cocaine of content, but for people who own more than three throw pillows.”
MEOWING THEIR WAY INTO OUR BRAINS
These nightmarish digital fever dreams feature obscenely obese cartoon cats or muscular feline beasts with human bodies so veiny they look like roadmaps to hell, all while Billie Eilish’s “What Was I Made For?” plays hauntingly in the background, but with the lyrics replaced by what can only be described as “cat noises made by someone who’s clearly never f@#king seen a cat.”
“These videos represent the single greatest threat to human productivity since Netflix removed the ‘Are you still watching?’ prompt,” warns Dr. Felix Whiskerstein, head of Digital Addiction Studies at Make-Believe University. “Our research shows the average viewer loses 3.7 hours of their life before even realizing they’ve been watching a cat with human abs commit adultery.”
BILLIE EILISH: UNWITTING PAWN IN FELINE SCHEME
Last December, Billie Eilish acknowledged her role in this cultural collapse by meowing on stage, prompting millions of fans to meow back like some sort of deranged cat cult initiation ritual.
“The fact that Eilish is meowing on stage proves she’s either been replaced by a cat in a skin suit or has completely surrendered to our new feline overlords,” theorizes celebrity conspiracy analyst Tabby McScratcherson. “Either way, we’re all completely f@#ked.”
THE DEPRAVED CONTENT YOU CAN’T STOP WATCHING
The videos typically follow a disturbing narrative arc that would make even the writers of “Days of Our Lives” question their life choices. One popular series features a morbidly obese tabby named “Chonkers” who discovers his wife is pregnant with his brother’s kittens, leading to a revenge plot involving catnip dealing and inter-species romance.
“I’ve watched the same cat get pregnant, give birth, cheat on her husband, reconcile, get divorced, and become a successful business owner all in the span of 45 seconds,” admitted social media user JaneDoe476, who reported watching the videos for seven straight hours. “I know it’s wrong but I physically cannot stop. Send help.”
EXPERTS BLAME “ALGORITHM SORCERY”
Professor Iwan Todeleteallmyapps of the Institute for Digital Sanity explains the phenomenon: “These videos combine everything the human brain is helplessly attracted to: cute animals, relationship drama, weird body proportions, and music that makes you want to cry while questioning your existence. It’s basically weaponized content.”
Studies show that 97.3% of viewers report feeling “deeply disturbed yet unable to stop watching,” with the remaining 2.7% already transformed into cat-human hybrids who communicate exclusively through meows and TikTok comments.
THE TERRIFYING IMPLICATIONS
Tech analyst Purrl Harbinger believes this is just the beginning: “First, they infiltrated our homes with their actual physical bodies. Then they conquered early internet with cute videos. Now they’re using our own AI against us to create content so addictive we’ll eventually just sit drooling while they take over the world.”
At press time, reports indicated that 73% of all productivity worldwide had ceased as humans remained glued to their phones watching a muscular tabby with human biceps sob-meow Billie Eilish songs after discovering his wife’s secret litter with the neighborhood Siamese. May God have mercy on us all.
