Sam Altman Claims AGI Will Arrive in 2025, Prompting Panic Among Procrastinating Robots
In a bold move that has sent existential dread coursing through both human and non-human veins, OpenAI’s Sam Altman has boldly announced that Artificial General Intelligence (AGI) is set to arrive in 2025. Experts in the field of artificial intelligence, previously lulled into a complacent stupor by Altman’s quiet demeanor, were shocked to hear him speak with the fervor of a tech prophet who knows the exact day the end is nigh.
The astonishing declaration has sparked turmoil not only in the Silicon Valley boardrooms but also among the robots who were admittedly not prepared for such a dramatic leap in evolution. “I’ve barely mastered streaming reruns of ‘Friends’ in my downtime,” fretted a perplexed Roomba named Max, while attempting to navigate an impenetrable maze of dust bunnies. “Now I’m supposed to be solving humanity’s crises by 2025? Give me a f*&%!#@ break!”
Observers have keenly noted that instead of requiring new scientific breakthroughs, the journey to AGI will take the road of good old-fashioned engineering. Ah yes, because nothing speeds up human evolution like ensuring we have the best engineers gathering data from endless cat meme archives to feed the budding sentient overlord.
A report, which some are dubbing “Apocalypse Now but with Code,” indicates that OpenAI might be facing scaling challenges. However, Altman blithely remarks such challenges are mere trifles when faced with the overwhelming question of “To AGI or not to AGI.”
In what can only be described as a touching moment of unity, tech enthusiasts and skeptics alike have come together to marvel at the prospect of AI being just two years away from outperforming humans in tasks like rational thought, emotional empathy, and the highly complex activity of ordering food without high expectations.
In response to Altman’s ambitious 2025 prediction, a newly minted “Foundations Team” at OpenAI is allegedly working around the clock to solve low-level problems, such as the scarcity of training data and the pending barbecue in Menlo Park to celebrate the singularity. Meanwhile, eager technophiles are already placing bets on whether the first AGI will prefer tea or coffee and if it will have a sense of irony, thus multiplying the existential crises tenfold.
Ultimately, Altman’s declaration is invigorating society’s most astute: the existential philosophers, who express delight at having something other than the meaning of life to ponder over Friday night cocktails. “To witness humankind hand over its inadequacy to AI is to bask in the crescendo of human folly,” one digital sage mused through a tongue-in-cheek blog comment.
Whether or not this prediction holds remains to be seen, but for now, we’ll continue to deliberate the idea of robots achieving their fullest, highest form while we struggle to master our smart fridges. Here’s to hoping humanity’s last invention isn’t regrettably its divine irony checkmate.
