TRUMP’S TARIFF TANTRUM FORCES ECONOMY INTO FINANCIAL BDSM RELATIONSHIP WITH INFLATION
In a move that has economists reaching for both their calculators and anxiety medication, Federal Reserve Chair Jerome Powell confirmed what anyone with more than three functioning brain cells already knew: Trump’s tariffs are about to make your wallet feel like it just went three rounds with Mike Tyson.
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“We’re facing what I would technically describe as a ‘challenging scenario,’ which is central banker speak for ‘holy sh!t, this economic rollercoaster just lost its safety bar,'” Powell reportedly told The Economic Club of Chicago while visibly sweating through his $3,000 suit.
The market reacted to Trump’s new trade restrictions on chip giant Nvidia with all the calm and composure of a cat in a bathtub full of Red Bull. Nvidia’s stock value plummeted faster than the president’s approval ratings at a literacy convention, losing approximately eleventy bajillion dollars in market cap within hours.
“Trump’s approach to international trade is like watching a toddler play Jenga with the global economy,” explained Dr. Ivor No’Patience, Professor of Obvious Economic Consequences at the University of Duh. “He keeps pulling out random blocks, screaming ‘WINNING!’ and then looking confused when the whole f@#king thing collapses.”
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According to a completely made-up survey that feels truthy enough for this article, 97.3% of Wall Street traders are now keeping emergency bottles of Tums, Xanax, and whiskey in their desk drawers. The remaining 2.7% have already fled to bunkers in New Zealand.
The new restrictions specifically targeting Nvidia have created what experts call an “oh crap” moment for the tech sector. The company, which basically powers everything from your video games to the sophisticated algorithms that decide which ex from high school Facebook should remind you exists, now finds itself caught in the crossfire of geopolitical pissing contest.
“This is basically the economic equivalent of cutting off your nose to spite China’s face,” said financial analyst Penny Wise-Poundfoolish. “I’m advising my clients to invest in companies that manufacture panic rooms and fainting couches.”
Powell attempted to reassure markets by suggesting the Fed has tools to deal with inflation, but his nervous eye twitch and occasional hysterical giggling somewhat undermined his message of confidence.
“We have many tools at our disposal,” Powell stated while repeatedly clicking a pen until it exploded ink all over his notes. “Just like a surgeon has many tools to perform an amputation after you’ve already lost the limb.”
When asked specifically how the Fed plans to combat inflation while maintaining economic growth in this environment, Powell reportedly stared blankly for seventeen seconds before whispering, “I just work here, man.”
In related news, stock market apps have added a new feature that automatically plays Sarah McLachlan’s “In the Arms of an Angel” whenever users check their portfolio balance, while the nation prepares for the economic equivalent of being waterboarded with inflation while our tariff policy repeatedly punches us in the wallet.
